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ARTIST & WRITER: SERGIO ARAGONES NUMBER 171 DECEMBER 1974 “Driving while drunk often leads to mourning after!” —Alfred E. Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, ERIKA HOLTON, DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS ALFRED’S POOR ALMANAC October 3rd to November 13th . 05... ec cece ees e secu 12 BEN-EDICTIONS DEPARTMENT Poor Richard's Ainmnageriaes oh ist eee Se ea ae 29 BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter: Side Of Clehing= 766 cate ta Sout aan a ka eres 20 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT One Morming. inv Sunery: hg aren won oes ee ea 11 One Day In A Run-Down Shack ...............000ceeeuee 25 One Evening At The Stamp Club Meeting................. 42 DOOM IT MAY CONCERN DEPARTMENT The MAD °Crieis Primers soot wie eee 2 eee. 4 a pee 13 IT’S IN THE PUNCHCARDS DEPARTMENT We Are Losing Our War Against Computers .............. 18 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy V8. Spy sd «0 Be cuk te bg oe ee Aa ee eth etm ly ene 34 KING CON DEPARTMENT “The Zing” (A MAD Movie Satire). ...............s00a0e 4 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ...................0. 2 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT “Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones ................0000. ~s ONCE UPON A MIME DEPARTMENT A MAD Look AtFSIfy 4 ales cite oc, 5 es ior ew te eek ts 26 P.D.-ATRICS DEPARTMENT “The Rookers” (A MAD TV Satire) ...............000 00 eee 43 PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPARTMENT MAD’s Sure-Fire Cliche Killers ..................00c000e 30 UPPING THE PROPHETS DEPARTMENT “Bible Rave. Magazine’ vo c53 0, en sen wi aes co way 35 VIVE L’ INDIFFERENCE DEPARTMENT You Know You’ve Reached A State Of Apathy When....... 40 **Various Places Around The Magazine MAD—December 1974, Volume 1, No. 171 Published monthly except February, May, August and No- vember, by.E. C. Publications, Inc., 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N.Y. Subscriptions: in U.S.A., 20 issues $10.00. Outside U.S.A., 20 issues $12.50. Allow 10 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright © 1974 by E. C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. “THE ZING” (A MAD MOVIE SATIRE) THE MAD CRISIS PRIMER Pg. 13 THE LIGHTER SIDE OF DIETING Pg. 20 Don’t worry! I've performed dozens of these operations! : ! MAD’S SURE-FIRE CLICHE KILLERS “BIBLE RAVE” (MAGAZINE SATIRE) ROOKERS” (A MAD TV SATIRE) Pg. 43 WHY KILL YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! eS Soe an eee use coupon or duplicate -~~~-~~~-~--— MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 1 enclose $10.00*. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 20 issues of MAD Magazine. *In Canada, $10.00 in U.S. Funds, payable by International Money Order or Check drawn on a USA bank. Outside the USA and Canada, $12.50, payable by International Money Order or Check drawn on a USA Bank. Allow 10 weeks for subscription to be processed. We cannot be responsible for cash lost or stolen in the mails, so CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PREFERRED! NOW...SAVE 35¢! Ignore this ad for full-color portraits of Alfred E. Neuman, MAD’s ‘‘What—Me Worry?”’ kid! Because that’s what one costs! Two issues ago, before the price rise, you would’ve only saved 25¢ if you ignored this ad! Now, they’re 35¢ for 1, 75¢ for 3, $1.55 for 9, $3.15 for 27 and $6.35 for 81! So if you can’t ignore this ad, that’s what you send to: MAD, 485 MADison Ave., N.Y., N.Y. 10022 LETTERS DEPT. SERPICOOL Beneath MAD’s humorous satire lies a very penetrating, serious insight into life. This was especially clear in your excellent satire, “Serpicool.” The message of police corruption was very real in the film, and your treatment of this abuse was especially revealing through the sharp ridicule. Be- ing so close to the home turf of New York’s Finest, you are in a position to judge. Accolades for Drucker and Hart! Thomas Brock Tempe, Ariz. In “Serpicool”, you completely ignored the point of the movie and just tried to get some laughs out of it. Remember, satire is supposed to make you laugh and then think. Rebeca Porto Miami, Fla. Although police corruption is a harsh and lamentable subject, your satire makes it seem “funny” in the same way M*A*S*H makes the war seem “funny.” Much is said in “jest.” Joseph Brown Staten Island, N.Y. “Serpicool” was a great satire on a man who should have been made Police Com- missioner . . . instead of being made a target! Paul Sundick Great Neck, N.Y. Mort Drucker and Stan Hart’s “Serpi- cool” was really Super-cool! Michael Komkov Lubbock, Texas TRADEMARK GRAFFITI Al Jaffee’s “Trademark Graffiti” was un- fair to all, the way good satire should be! Steven Lionel Ithaca, N.Y. ae TRASH AS JAFFEE S | "TRADEMARK GRAFFITI Perry Gaither Tucson, Ariz. ONE DAY AT NOTRE DAME Don Martin’s “One Day At Notre Dame” proves you've got to play a hunch! Scott Guidry Carencro, La. A MAD LOOK AT FUNERALS I almost died laughing at “Funerals”. What a (MAD) way to go! Rudolph Crosse Slayton, Minn. A MAD HISTORY OF SEX I was amazed at how tastefully Larry Siegel and George Woodbridge handled “A MAD History Of Sex’. It had a good point, too. As soon as I figure out what it is, [ll tell you. Bob De Moss Los Altos, Calif. THE WHOLE “DON’’ THING IS HERE! Yes, it is now—finally—available . WMiartin o, .. “The Completely MAD Don . a collection of the Best (Or the Worst, if you like!) of MAD’s Maddest Artist. All of the memorable mishaps, outlandish adven- tures and kookie carryings-on of the wild, zany and absurd characters Don Martin has created over the years for MAD Magazine ...in one book! “THE COMPLETELY MAD DON MARTIN” ae ON SALE NOW AT ALL BOOKSTANDS (We’re sorry .. . but no mail orders!) A MAD GUIDE TO STATUS SYMBOLS ARE YOU In your “A MAD Guide To Status ALL WRAPPED UP IN AN Symbols” you left out: Fancy clothes are not a Status Symbol. Streaking through EMPTY-HEADED EXISTENCE? the Women’s Wear Department is. Dave Nolting So. Beloit, Ill. Owning rare first issues of MAD is not THE INVISIBLE a Status Symbol. Using them to house- train your puppy is. Elaine Schmidt Langhorne, Pa. THE HIGH COST OF LIVING sae OS it zeroes in on the unseen forces responsible for the disappearing morality and vanishing values of our transparent society, and helps you to see through the Unwind... with the out-of-sight humor of Don’t delude yourselves; there is 2o lighter side of the high cost of living! Selma Lazouri New York N™ gauze and effect of national leaders who suffer from lack of vision... or who... SAVE THE EAGLE! possibly . . . aren’t even all there! Yes Maybe President Nixon will save the eagle. I’ve heard he’s for the birds ... THE INVISIBLE MAD Lyra Halprin : Santa Monica, Calif. SHOWS YOU THAT LIFE ISN’T ALL THAT A NOSE FOR MAD MEETS THE EYE—THAT IT’S ACTUALLY I wrote to the Handyman column in my A BIG NOTH ; NG | local newspaper and asked them if they ‘e had a suggestion for getting the smell out of old MAD magazines. They wrote back ON SALE NOW AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTAND, OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 75¢ that they didn’t know, and along with the reply they also added that they didn’t know how to get the smell out of new MADs, either. ween use coupon or duplicate MAD William Crawford 485 MADison Avenue St. Bonifacius, Minn. New York. N.Y. 10022 , e co DRUCKER’S FIRST COVER I adore Mort Drucker’s “Special Cop Out Issue” cover, his first cover for MAD. NAME I'll bet your Officer Neuman is the slow-. est nightstick in his precinct! Maureen McCaffrey ADDRESS Pelham Manor, N.Y. Concerning the subtitle of MAD #169: CITY What do you mean, “SPECIAL” Cop Out Issue?! ? Aren’t they all?! ? STATE ZIP CODE ried! Boterenbrood ; Grand Haven, Mich ee ; 2 ‘ PLEASE ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE ———————— . _THE INVISIBLE MAD . Please Address All Correspondence To: - SEND ME: Ll Alc teed ee adhe bina iene Ratgeber "(The Bedside MAD Li The PortableMAD=—=—=—*=~*«~<“<~*« TP ATEN SPV vs. SPY : (JSonofMAD ()MAD Power oS [_] SPY vs. SPY Follow Up File - Cithe Organization mad (ithe DirtyOldMAD = ~~ ~—_— >} 3rd MAD Dossier of SPY vs. SPY (jlikeMAD (J Polyunsaturated MAD — (_] A MAD Look at Old Movies _[] The Ides of MAD (The RecycledMAD = —— ~—_ FJ Return of MAD Old Movies — _£] Fighting MAD [1 The Non-Violent MAD . (] MAD-VERTISING — _ Ci The MAD Frontier S (ithe Rip-OffMAD = = =~ FYAMAD Look at TV CJ MAD in Orbit — The Token MAD -__ AL JAFFEE’s Snappy Answers - (J The Voodoo MAD [7] The Pocket MAD [J AL JAFFEE’s MAD Book of Magic — | () Greasy MAD Stuff _ [] DON MARTIN Stags Out [More AL JAFFEE Snappy Answers (Three Ring MAD — s 2 FI DON MARTIN Bounces Back = =~—S&-] AL JAFFEE’s MAD Monstrosities _ [Self-Made MAD (J DON MARTIN Drops 13Stories = [jAragones's “Viva MAD!” () The MAD fae [MAD's Captain Klutz - (J Aragones’s MAD about MAD © _ ©] World, World, etc. AD _ (DON MARTIN Cooks — _ [JAragones’s MAD-ly Yours _ On Raving MAD: - . [DON MARTIN Comes On Strong DJ Aragones’s in MAD We Trust MAD (DON MARTIN Carries On - {) MAD forBetteror Verse _ ot) Questiona MAD - CDAVE BERG Looks at the USA. | [JSingAlongWithMAD CjHowlingMAD CIDAVE BERG Looks at People = += [J MADAboutSports — (The Indigestibl MAD CJ] DAVE BERG Looks atThings = |= []MAD’s Talking Stamps _ (] DAVE BERG Looks at Modern Thinking TIMADWord Power = (i i stsst*s - CIDAVEBERG OurSick World = 0 MAD Cradle to ae Primer ue CO DAVE BERG Looks at ind : : Oo relges MAD DON MARTIN'S BEST CARTOONS FROM MAD MAGAZINE 8 “On. orders outside MUSA be a! ENCLOSE 75¢ FOR EACH gure to add 10% extra. Allow at mr ier orser oreered : - : - (Minimum Order: 6 Books!) ~ _ feast six weeks for delivery. KING CON DEPT. Throughout the years, Hollywood has given us many beautiful couples...Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw... but, unquestionably, the most beautiful movie couple of all is Paul Newman and Robert Redford. “Beautiful” not only in the physical sense, but for Theater Owners in terms of Box Office Receipts. And, as is always the case, in order to capitalize on a movie success, Hollywood has come up with a “sequel”! Yep, if you like charm, wit, style and nostalgia...well, then, go see “Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid.” That movie had all those elements. As far as this sequel is concerned, we don’t know what it has! Because we were too confused! Mainly, we're still trying to figure out the plot of... Somebody, HELP ME ees First... that man stabbed me and stole my wallet! Then... this If you think THAT’S My name is Johnny Looker! |’m just a stranger who Please! I’m hurt and | have $5000 that has to be delivered to a contact at Wabash and 10th! Will one of you Wait! You gotta protect yourself! Take the $5000... and your own money, too ...wrapitina No trick! | always walk around with my money wrapped in Hey! involved, happened to be just passing by! I'm WAIT also a graduate of a while! handkerchief .. . and stuff it down your pants like this... asa hanky stuffed down my pants! The Depression What man stopped in him and got my money back! take it there for me? heck is For The Incredibly mL going ON? Sounds kinda INVOLVED! 0 rere ss Good-Looking!”’ $5000?! Why—giggle— I'LL do it for you!! My OWN money, TOO? Is this a trick. . .? makes men do silly things! Okay, I'll make the drop for you! But you better As long as I’m not the patsy No, you’re not our mark! Just hit the contact at the drop! We PLEASE! For God's sake! | need HELP!! Are you No, I’m in pain? in a fog! No, it was a BAD con! Because in that complicated Money-in-a-Hanky But we got eleven thousand dollars! Yeah, but I’m so HOT in pictures not be two It's no grifters fox cheap playing me street for a sucker! these days, my Undershorts are probably worth TWELVE thousand! exchange we pulled, | | accidentally handed him my UNDERSHORTS! wouldn't play a numbers runner Do cba | need a for a chump! need a fj Con Man's Doctor? | § Dictionary! in your Ett ie sceereey Seam. eee ‘Se see ae een x 7s mw = ri me erieisesesesareees WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN Boss! One of fp What'’ll we do? our runners Well, normally I'm aman a was conned out} | of violent revenge! But This time we'll of eleven grand | since they’re just a pair KILL them first of it... WHY NOT? by a pair of of petty grifters, we'll ... THEN we'll I'm much prettier petty grifters! take it easy on 'em! rough ’em up! than you are!! x | ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER Well... " Yeah! Then I'll be here | am! You You fool! You doing YOUR ACT! I've got | just }4 blew your roll! $3000 and f@ lost B You keep this a date with yA the up and you'll a Burlesque F% $3000, ff lose the shirt | Queen! Johnny! off your back! | EO . Hey, come to think Okay, bum! | want $2000 from your cut of the take from the con on the numbers runner! What happened? They killed Lothar! They shot him, then pushed him out his window! Excuse me! I’m looking for Henny Goniff! | was told he could teach me the “Big Con’! | AM the Police! I’m Lt. Snide, a corrupt Chicago Plainclothes Cop! And as a complicated sub-plot, 41 weaving its way through the entire film, | will hound you until | catch up with you and beat your retty face to a pulp! H—Here’s the $2000! Please! Don’t do it! JOHNNY! You mean to say you're afraid of a lousy BEATING from a COP?!? qi. oa _jway through Quick! Let’s scram A beati ing | before Lt. Snide could take! But | don’t think I can STAND a complicated SUB-PLOT weaving its | | just handed him! | You—you mean it’s COUNTERFEIT?!? THIS film! examines that money Y'know, I’m beginning to think that Chicago is NOT such a toddlin’ town! ace YOU... want y,| to learn the A, “Big Con”?!? |_ ...the second oldest profession in the world! a No, thank you, Ma’am! I’m not interested in learning the OLDEST profession in the world! Henny’s upstairs, handsome! But if you. . . stick around, I'LL teach you a few things! [£7 Yr 3 I’m waiting for the first | of those cute, episodic ii ‘Title Cards” which are ig COPS are |i] supposed to explain the @ coming! What }!} plot... butinstead, are you yj] only serve to thoroughly ff waiting for? || confuse the audience! f ror Y i+ But—but the So, you're the great Henny. Goniff?!? 1 Well, say | something! | eee fC Die TB Sa Which way’d they go, Sundance... ?]|- You drunken sot! That was our OTHER picture! Well... . let’s put it this way! Those four $500 bills he’s got are small. . . orange ... they have choo- choos... and they say § “Monopoly” on them! } Tre No... you’re wrong!! That picture IS this picture! The only difference is: | We’re wearing costumes of the '30’s, and now YOU'RE er’ than ME! My friend Lothar told me you were once the “greatest”! What happened Irishman? He’s not gonna be an easy I’m looking for a grifter named Johnny Looker! | know he hangs out here! | Well... 1 had some terrifying career set-backs recently! Yeah? Like WHAT...? He’s got no known vices! He doesn't Like “The Mackintosh Man”, “Judge Roy Bean”’ and “Pocket Money”! ‘4, Hey! | know a terrible secret Well, if ’'m the “King’’—how / _| come YOU'RE | the “King Of The i sitting on the Now... Con’’?!? HAH!! [| THRONE? the first “TTT, 1 : thing we : . do is assemble amob... | You look ridiculous! : And you're Okay, kid! supposed to be You're on! jin common, What’s that? Y'know! was just thinking! We have something amazing It’s amazing how two guys could be so down-and-out —and STILL have such great teeth! you and I! Okay, that’s it then! Here's the plan! We trap him with the “‘Card Hustle’! We give him the “‘Hook”’ on the train with the ‘‘Tally-Ho Deck’’ and “‘The Reverse Shuffle’’! We follow up with the “Fake Bookie”’ set-up! We suck him in with the I'm doing this thing for revenge! How about you? -> Me? I’m doing it for the thrill of the con ...the exhilaration of seeing a Is THAT all you WANT out of it? No, If the con WORKS, | may ALSO be i smoke... drink, or “dip” when he dances! pees It may be a while! Why not spend the time making love to one of my girls? Looker? He ain't been in yet tonigtil ME?!? Spend time making love to one of your girls!?! That’s crazy! I’m a Chicago Policeman! eeattee he “Shut Out” and cap it with the “‘Zing’’! What do you think, Looker? “Telegraph Office’’ ploy, slip him the able to buy a shirt with SLEEVES! CN conceived fantastic plan! It’s an OLD TRICK... but it just might work! Dull Irishman! We're gonna pull the “Big Con”’ on him! | This place is perfect | for a gambling room! | O.K., get furniture, teletypes and a bar! We're making it into a fake Bookie Joint! Oh! Well in that case... maybe you'd like to spend the time | | BEATING | UP one of Dull Irishman?! The “Big Con’’?! 5 | bet you don’t pull it off!! A fake Bookie Joint? Who’s the mark... ? See...? place was gambling ALREADY! Okay! The “‘hook’’ is set! He’s waiting in the next I'm ready... Now, remember! He usually plays with a Tally-Ho deck! And he likes to cold it low ... eights and nines! J car... Shorry |'m late! | wash inna John! Mr. Shlep, this is a Gentlemen’s game...and ye fergot to button yer shirt an’ tie! fasht! | have four Not sho JACKSH! tha’s bad? Wait'll yuh shee what ELSHE | forgot t’ button! What the... ?!? But ye just had four THREES!! How’d ye come up with four JACKS? If he uses a Bicycle deck, then I'd soak my body in Moxie! How mush you gonna bet, Mr. lronman...? The name is IRISHman...an’ don’t ye fergit it! An’ aye’ll be bettin’ five thousand... You kiddin’?? If | washn’t sho drunk, | would’ve come up with four ELEVENS! Looker, do you get the crux of what I’m doing? Actually, I’m so confused and mixed up by all this, | don’t really know WHAT’S | going on! ff THAT'S What did he look like? Conductor, | |expect my | poker games | to start on time! Where jis Mr. Shlep? He was very good looking, with blue eyes anda He said he’d — _pixie-ish That could be almost ANYONE in this movie! Gentlemen— let’s start the game without him! Wal, I'll jus’ shee your fi’ thousan’ an’ raish yuh nother TWO, Mr. Irish Gin! | TOLD ye! The name is lrishMAN! An’ aye’ll be raisin’ YE another FOUR... FM Conductor! This man is a cheat! This game is a farce! What do you Say to that? Wow! It’s a real Battle Royal! Who has the edge? It’s close, but | think Robert Shaw's lrish brogue is a bit less ridiculous -| than Paul Newton's a cutesy drunk! ne y Aboard! All aboarrrrrd! Tickets... please! All tickets... But who’s gonna be the final winner? Robert Refford! By staying OUT of this scene, he winds up with an Academy Award Mr. Kelby, let me understand! You want to double-cross your Boss, who cheated me in a poker game? You want to destroy him by bankrupting his bookie operation with a crazy plan you have? And you want me to FINANCE that plan to the tune of $500,000? That's about it, Mr. Irishman! Yeah! Do you realize Let’s go that every Con outside Artist, Grifter }) inthe and Thug around is in where it’s this room! SAFE!! ]_ It's simple! A call will _| come in on the pay phone -|with the name of a horse! As soon as you have the information, go across the street to the Bookie d bet on it! Now, doesn’t it seem rather ILLOGICAL that a crafty, street-wise Syndicate Racketeer like me would go along with a plan that has so many obvious flaws? 4 Barracuda! ~ Yes, Sir... it DOES seem rather illogical! You’re in! Step over and take a suit... You’re in! Step Okay ... state over and take yourname... and Con Game! I'm Sid Wabash! | saw a man, he danced with his wife! He had the time, the time of his life! lee ze < 6 I'm Irv Muntz! I'm The Peoria Capone's pocket on State Street ... that great featuring and That was it! We | bet Egg Cream to ‘| win, Seltzer to "| place and Coca- ‘| Cola to show at Narragansett!! | don’t see Barracuda on the menu! That’s not a Con! That’s a SONG! Who sent you? UNIVERSAL PICTURES! They want to make sure each scene overfiows with warmth nostalgia! Hold it! That’s an order for a Soda Fountain delivery! The horse info comes in on THAT pay phone! This is my contact at Western Union! He gets the Race Results and calls me before he calls the Bookie Joint! Hmm! Okay, I'm in for the $500,000! ...andin i tiful! the sixth at srt Belmont, it’s actually LUCKY NICK, i JCK falling winning by a for the length and phony paying $25! mean you actually BUY that story?!? after we're through HERE... there’s a bridge in BROOKLYN |. | want you to look at! Oh, yeah... ?! Just wait until P Washington, of the Seventies! § Quick! Hide me | in the bathroom |. in the back! Relish this moment, kid! Because it could only happen here and now ... in The Golden Age Of The Big Con... Chicago, of the thirties! There’s a man outside who’s after me! If he in the biggest : jam of my life! Okay—here’s Johnny Looker! I finally nabbed him for you guys! I'm Special Agent Poke of the F.B.I.! | asked Lt. Snide to bring you in! We’re after your friend, Henny Goniff... and we got a tip that he’s running a Big Con on the South Side... | don’t know anything about it! Not a thing! Listen, if you don't cooperate, |'ll call that crazy Commie Nut, Sadie Mafoosky, and tell her where you are! You remember her, and THE WAY YOU WERE! il talk! | know EVERYTHING about it! EVERYTHING!! Now, you got this deal straight, P.J.? We pose as painters to con the Telegraph Office Manager into giving us the use of his office! Then, we pose as real Telegraph Agents to con Irishman when he arrives any moment with Looker! And we've got exactly 17 seconds to pull off the whole switcheroo! Nowe. of + “The |} - Great |} ( Gatsby”! : : or Fe Just don’t try to fold the con on us! Gosh, no! Golly gee! Why, ! wouldn’t do that! No siree! tf, Fh EE i / fe fe MARTIAN”! It’s scenes like this that make me miss the “realism” and “credibility” of “MY FAVORITE ~ nan ace | PRODUCTION Of) 7 Huh? WHAT did you say? Ooops! It slipped! | reverted to my real life personality! And | was doing so well up to now! You woke | | Please... Gee, the only » Your She was me up, | | let mein, A girl needs tender other sexpot jj mustache | running Yes... just before you | Doretta! | words and compliments || !’ve known is 4 is MUCH to meet [# she killed YOU! She deadbeat! I'm lonely before she can let a Henny Goniff! @ SMALLER! me, and & wasa “Hit” lady, Go away! and | must @ guy make love to her! ne i : f you—you || sent by the Mob to | need my make love First tell me how | Well... how | KILLED entice you with Beauty to you! compare to the other do | compare §& Ss @_ her! her good looks! Sleep! = sexpots you’ve known! i ag ; Nobody # Quick! You'd You can. kiss They’re ALSO YOU don’t | The big moment! Irishman [ move! [— better get # your $500,000 dead and gone! || understand? is on his way with the We're out of here, | goodbye! It’s Can’t you see? $500,000 and the name F.B.1. M Mr. Irishman! § dead and gone! Look at the of the horse! Everybody, agents! ; ae Isee it... expressions take your places for... This But...what | But what about but | don’t on the faces 7 ji is a about my Mr. Shlep and UNDERSTAND || of the movie $500,000?!? Mr. Kelby? any of it!! audience!! Wow! What a CON!! | | A lot of people who saw Fellas... | got GOOD We conned Dull — Now, the BAD NEWS! — Which means Everyone thought our performances NEWS, and BAD NEWS! Irishman out The whole operation we LOST we were dead thought we were dead First, the GOOD NEWS: cost us $700,000! $200,000! for the last two for the last — — aoa minutes! NINETY minutes! 2, eo OCTOBER iy | abate an ae paises eal Charlton Heston’s birthday. At noon today the waters Harold McChesney is disinherited by rich of his swimming pool will part and he’ll walk across. ° - uncle, comes down with heir sickness, 1956. Atte RY ny, > fighting scene after viewing first run-through, 1973. pn generally has too many ions in the fire. Producer of ‘‘Three Musketeers”’ orders change in sword- Fz Alfred says: Overworked atomic physicist Wilma Witkin is smacked in teeth by husband Myron, aay After downing his eighth can of beer, Roland aa’ 3 sues for divorce on grounds of dental cruelty, 1970. \ pe Fleemer reaches his pint of no return, 1966. 2 o =S Beware of the crooked poncho maker— a | : 3) French Revolutionaries guillotine first victim; re he’ll try to slip one over on you! aes leader says it’s just a drop in the bucket, 1793. LY Tahiti planter J.B. Croom develops a money bearing o Trigger makes first appearance in Roy Rogers tree when he crosses his palm with silver, 1904. @A\~ movie, is applauded for bit part, 1937. Columbus Day. Thanks to him, everybody knows the TUES | Some people say Nebuchadnezzar was a great and real shape the world is in—namely lousy. @@scoroues 15] wise king—actually he was a Babylon idiot. PAG] When two vampires fight, there’s An unemployed, out-of-shape contortionist = generally bad blood between them. has a lot of trouble making ends meet! George C. Scott’s birthday. Friends to honor him Ih Jack Anderson's birthday. Celebrate the z : with lavish party, which he’ll refuse to attend. nh occasion by informing on a good friend. ' Philo Knill is hired as tailor for nunnery, Any bribable cop 777 finds that his work is habit-forming, 1922. will do in a pinch! =a a Ed esa c n will celebr foot bird, gets carried away with his work, 1955. e It ay to the stu A woman who buys a cheap pair of nylons ECF¥ || Morris Oglevie discovers a new wou WO. * is pretty sure to get a run for her money. tax shelter—Argentina, 1955.) [aa S Ww, sat | While you’re reading these words, 60,000,000 people on Midget concert pianists are good for the ego ~-\ a ¥ 2G | the distant planet Varkka are quietly going meshuggah. because they constantly play up to you. = 4 Ornithologist Mortimer Exley develops giant twelve-,* Johnny Carson’s birthday. McMaho : occasion by walking on kn he w 5th anniversary of Nixon’s 7th crisis, 2nd anniversary of 19th crisis, first anniversary of 85th crisis. 7a0PE Spanish Inquisition puts first prisoner on rack ASS after judge sentences him to a short stretch, 1229. =3%3 No matter how you feel about warts, (Goa faoy .E they have a way of growingon you! 4sXe I WRITER: FRANK JACOBS Chiang kai-Shek’s birthday. An hour after cele- brating it, you’ll feel like celebrating again. Think back on what you were doing on this date two years ago. Doesn’t it make you want to throw up? i NOVEMBER Undertaker Irving Pabst enters National Casket Contest, wins blue ribbon for his bier, 1905. Byron Aukblight closes down dress shop for two BACKIN months, explains it’s the slack season, 1950. aoe Udley Farquahr discovers Magnetic Pole, namely Sing-Sing resident Fred Frink takes up landscape Warsaw film starlet Mamie Van Zybryck, 1964. painting, gains reputation as con artist, 1938. Spending an evening with a pick- _¢& pocket is usually good for a lift. d Although your life seems hopeless, a week from now you'll look back and realize that today was a picnic. Three Hollywood actors turn down title role in ‘“‘The Invisible Man’’, contending it’s a nothing part, 1934. ae vA Chicago fire, blames it on her burning ambition,1871. Dr. Christian Barnard’s birthday. Chums wish to present him with surprise gift, but lack the heart to do it. eth Schlomo MacHardee opens tire-repair business, announces that he’ll charge a flat rate, 1933. Princess Grace’s birthday. Entire population of Monaco forced to see ‘‘High Society”’ or be deported. a Bb2Z222 COCO Mrs. O’Leary admits that she, not her cow, started Fa a iz MAD 171 goes off sale. Publisher’s prediction proves correct as a newsstand opens up on Mount McKinley. A ANOLE PADISMOLPONS SACLE LRD DID EOS CH ARES RH AE SPREA AMIS EAMESESSPEEESEEOSESE SSIS SIARIASE SEO OOS DEDEARS DE NPAIESSIOIIESOIEEBEES NEESER READE SINE SSDS SELENE SEALE AAA AMANITA Chapter 1 THE ECOLOGY CRISIS See the terrible environment we live in. Listen to the birds. They don’t sing anymore. They are too busy Coughing and sneezing and throwing up. See our rivers and streams. See how polluted they are. Yecch! Hocch! Ptuey! See the fishermen catching fish. It is easy to catch fish in our rivers. ie aN e& The fish want to get caught Lt ela ike gy ea: < i So they can get out of the yecch, hocch, ptuey. lar na ae Why is there an Ecology Crisis? Because of all the burning of high sulfur fuels And the emissions from millions of automobiles. How do we solve the Ecology Crisis? Simple! We replace it with... REPS SEIS tO EMIORPRLOLPIELLAEAPILP MCLE AAOADO UDELL RIPON CMSA RAHN EONAR OIIDES ARISEN RHR RHEREROMEN ES SPREE EACH RENNIE ORIHRRLARR LION PER SLOANE Chapter 2 THE ENERGY CRISIS In order to solve the Energy Crisis The Government postpones Auto Emission Controls And removes the ban on burning high sulfur fuels. Bye-bye, Ecology Crisis! Hello, Energy Crisis! To save energy, we must turn down our heaters And keep our homes no higher than 68 degrees in Winter. To save energy, we must turn up our air conditioners And keep our homes no lower-than 72 degrees in Summer. Maybe we should use our heaters in Summer And our air conditioners in Winter. 68 degrees is deliciously cool in Summer And 72 degrees is toasty warm in Winter. Wey I Yo There are many plans for developing more energy, dle /« i Like using wind power, or sun power, 2 Or even extracting oil from compressed animal droppings. If that works, just imagine the mobs of people Who'll be standing around Congress with shovels. eect ROTC RAECRLOON ARNOT MCCCCCO NLC EYRE ALCO OLE CCOC ORE COOL TE IE LOREEN PAINS C OAC NP ACHREITIES OC MUNEINI OSLER LCA DRAB IE AEE Tt Chapter 3 ano THE GASOLINE CRISIS 2 ESS. See the lines of cars at the gas station. ee | | CN te (wa People are waiting to get three gallons of gas ioe So they can make it to the next gas station. Some people fill gas cans and keep them in their cars. With these gas cans, they can travel a long way: Straight up, when the cans explode in their cars. Our Gasoline Czar in Washington has just announced Another new plan to solve the fuel shortage. He talks of allocations and price adjustments. He is doing a great job keeping us on the move. Because of him, Americans Have been going around in circles for months. To eliminate the fuel shortage, the Government Wants to give the Arabs more money for their oil. Do the Arabs really need the money? Sure they do! Can you imagine what it costs To launder sixty million bed sheets? pecnaonnenennnecsnnnen Chapter 5 THE CONFIDENCE IN GOVERNMENT CRISIS Some people in this world actually do not believe What their Governments tell them. These people were once known as “‘Cynics”! Now they are known as “Americans”! Americans are very confused. They think our President has something to hide Just because he erases White House tapes, And fires Special Prosecutors and Attorney Generals. They don’t understand that the President Is just trying to bring back the good old days Of King George The Third. And Mr. Agnew confused Americans even more. He asked them to believe him when he said he wasn’t guilty, And asked them not to believe him when he told the courts he was. Americans distrust Presidential Appointees who work in secrecy, Like Presidential Lawyers and Advisors who work behind locked doors Of Federal Penitentiaries. Chapter 7 THE WORLD CRISIS Pick your favorite Crisis on a map of the world. How about the Far East? The Americans arranged a peace To end the Vietnam War Crisis. Then the Americans went away. Unfortunately, the war did not. Perhaps you like the Middle East? See the Arabs and Israelis ready to blow each other up. The Americans arranged a peace To solve the Middle East Crisis. Then, the Americans went away. Unfortunately, the Crisis did not. Today, in an effort to avoid confrontation, The Americans and the Russians are acting as peacemakers. The Russians are supplying the Arabs with weapons, And the Americans are supplying the Israelis with weapons. So the two of them can kill each other. And leave us two peacemakers alone. Ce re soo aged bannesnsscecbaentinni Saftey gab tOBESR SSO SURRERROMC ABLE HORLN IE MEDS LE TALE ECS CSTE LRUESENRESSEM DDO OCOSBO LODO TAERDOONIDG PIDDXIRESLL OLA RLDUA DALES ID TICULAR RRA AE AED Chapter 4 THE FOOD CRISIS Scientists are predicting a coming Food Crisis. There are too many hungry people in the world, And not enough food to feed them. What can be done? Well, for one thing, how about feeding only the people Who are not hungry? They eat a lot less! In the U.S.A. we have a wheat shortage Because the President sold wheat to Russia, cheap. Why did he do that? Because he knew it would make him popular With the Russian people. Why didn’t he just keep the wheat here? Because he knew it was too late to be popular With the American people. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone had enough to eat? Then, there would be nothing to worry about. Except, perhaps, the impending Toilet Paper Crisis! a ena abe eoe Peeve cae MreOriCOON SOV DOORS PR yer re ers oy sv eves Us Wve yrLo NIEaWisef rca newton ey ive sanseonnannawvanononaneienecstonne Chapter 6 THE ECONOMIC CRISIS See the Graph Line marked “A” go up and up and up. This line represents the Cost of Living. Wave “Bye-bye” to this line as it goes out of sight. See the Graph Line marked “B” go down and down and down. This line represents the Purchasing Power of the Dollar. Say ‘‘Farewell’”’ to this line, it is never coming back. Rests ay) Bil Bias eek @ ae Sleep None ee ms no UD aa Lia K | See the Graph Line marked ‘‘C” curve down and then up again. This line represents the President’s Mouth As he tells us that our economy is in great shape. See the Graph Line marked ‘“‘D” curve up and then down again. This line represents the Consumer’s Mouth When she sees the prices skyrocketing in the supermarket. REP y See the Graph Lines marked “E”’ join, then part, then join again. They represent a Penmanship Exercise. What is a Penmanship Exercise doing in this Chapter? Nothing, but it makes about as much sense as our Economic Condition. | }}}] Liege ei se a aS | \ 0 Ay POOL RRALEALIDL AALS RAIA ELEN DOO OLLOPOHEDOOLALLAADDDOORLID SPARE IE DS SIPOOSIOSI AAT EOP LEER LOE ARE EOE OEE SCENE senso MMI ON USNR A EEO ARERR AERA REESSREER ROMP LORC MMC CCC ECONO E NE OMNI AD MOMS SONNET AARNE SERA SION ERPEESIOS SOAS AION MRAAO OANA NO Aa Net Chapter 8 THE MORALITY CRISIS am See the porno movie house. / ] It is a product of the Morality Crisis That many people are up in arms about. Mostly, older people! Porno pictures show people making love. “Disgusting! Degrading! Un-American!” Say our moral leaders. “Ban porno movies! Show Clint Eastwood pictures instead!” “All they portray is killing, maiming and bloodshed.” “Three respected American Traditions!” a # i] Pere ES OZ aT iis? cca renenecceenneety ft CR See the young man and young woman living together. They have no use for marriage. 2 »)) pee Their parents say they are destroying i ee Yes & ree The Institution of Marriage. i wae ; Parents have a great respect for The Institution of Marriage. Many of them have tried it again and again! Maybe that’s why the kids are so happy. SNELL NEED PON LALO AN I pur nyse Ae eater Cee REC et ttt RL AEC NATE OOAL CLOT CEO O OIE IOLAC EE IA LLL DCAD ONAN ALLELE NON RN et Nett Chapter 9 THE CRISIS OF THE CITIES See the crowded city. I SCC nT ee see See the unhappy city dweller. ee ee es Is he unhappy because too many people live in the city? =| 2 T No, he is unhappy because too many people die in the city! City dwellers have big problems. Every day, hundreds of them are Stopped, insulted, abused and beaten. And that’s by the Police! Muggers are even worse! Many people are leaving the cities. They want to live in an environment Where their kids can be happy. So they move to the suburbs And spend three hours a day Commuting to and from the city where they work. ,* They don’t have any time left to spend with their kids. . Chapter 10 THE MEDICAL CRISIS LELi See the long lines at the Hospital. See the people waiting three or four hours for treatment. Some will wait even longer if it’s not an emergency. Hospital costs are astronomically high. Over $100 a day for a Hospital Room. Smart people never go to Hospitals. When they’re sick, they check into Luxury Hotels Like the Waldorf Astoria. It’s cheaper! LTD See the man on the street. His leg is broken. The Ambulance will arrive just as soon As the Ambulance Attendants finish their coffee break. Then, they will put the injured man into the Ambulance, And turn on the siren so it emits a frightening shriek, And speed through the city, cutting off cars and running red lights, § And slamming on the brakes at the Hospital Entrance. When they arrive, the poor man’s leg will no longer hurt. He'll have died of a heart attack during the terrifying ride. Petent UNAM ACA NOLL ONAGRACEAE OLE OLE SOT ASCO ACRE Chapter 11 THE CRISES CRISIS See what kind of a world we live in. Crises, Crises ...everywhere you turn. There are no longer any “Problems,” just Crises. How does a simple Problem become a Crisis? Easy! It’s put on the TV News, And it’s an Instant Crisis. Because a Problem is boring, but a Crisis gets ratings. Oh, well... that’s Show Biz! And Newspapers scare you even more By creating Crises of their own Because one of Newspapers’ biggest Crises these days Is trying to stay in business competing against TV News. See the man in the Strait Jacket. One day he didn’t watch TV or read a Newspaper. He wasn’t aware of a single new crisis. He went insane. He just wasn’t prepared to live in a world without crises. DON MARTIN DEPT. PART | C= eo Dy i Y cs “3 NA Zz __| This was one tough operation! | had to re-b | his entire face.. al jES>e. “ ee : ae Ce to. \<——g win) ; Nee y Q: NAY pS B I IT’S INTHE PUNCHCARDS DEPT. Chances are that everyone in the known world over the age of ten out the beast in us. As a result, we spend most of our free time has had at least one battle with a computer in his lifetime. There’s fighting a full scale war against computers. Tragically, it’s a war just something about the arrogant, stubborn refusal of a machine to we're all destined to lose. Let’s face it: we’re only human beings reconsider even its most blatantly stupid acts that seems to bring armed with nothing but logic and intelligence. These weapons are no Ne Re LUNG GU Wan WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE... WE’RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS ate BECAUSE... coer : : , ———— y ” / een “ qb HE i . .. nothing will change their minds once they’re convinced . . . they invariably continue to list a car as stolen for you've sent in 30,000 subscriptions to the same magazine. at least 6 months after it’s been recovered and returned. _ WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE... WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE. .. =| COMPUTERIZED SAFETY CHECK | te : .. . we make the mistake of assuming they never make a mistake. ... they remember everything about us we’d like forgotten. WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE... ... their screening of Police M.O. files somehow proves that ... they’re so smug about being able to solve complex every left-handed Baptist who owns a De Soto is the Mad Killer. equations, they won’t stoop to learn simple arithmetic. 18 match for a computer’s tireless determination to keep repeating its idiotic goofs until our spirits are broken. Worse yet, we are plagued by a cult of Computer Worshippers among our own kind who perpetuate the ridiculous myth that humans are always wrong. So, in case you're WE’RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE... ae they take years and years to find their stupid mistakes, and then they expect us to pay for them. _WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE .. they forget evervittnee about us we wish they’d remember. WE’RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE . their opinion of the most efficient way to do things is definitely only their opinion. HGAlNoT COMPUTERS flues eae y one of those bubble-brained idealists who clings to the belief that righteousness must eventually triumph, just consider how the punch cards are stacked against you in this fight. Then, you'll agree with MAD’s battlefront analysts who cite these twelve reasons why ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: TOM KOCH _ WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE... we it’ S futile to 5 call up and complain about a mistake, since the machine that goofed is the same one that answers the phone. WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE OST ACTIVE STOCKS AMERICAN TELEPHONE 51% WESTINGHOUSE 38% GENERAL MOTORS % . their dumb mistakes can cause us to make fatal mistakes. WE’ RE LOSING bd WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE.. MAIL . .. they assume that Q.X. Zlyk, Q.X. Zlyk, Sr., and Q.X. Slyk, Senior, are three different people .. . two of whom didn’t pay their Income Tax. WHAT?!? | don’t weigh THAT MUCH!! This thing is a DIRTY LIAR!! BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER Okay . . . who’s the wise guy who's been fooling around with this scale!? Not only are you late, but you have the nerve to bring someone home for dinner?! What do you think I’m running here, a McDonald’s Hamburger Stand?! I’m sorry to cause you all this trouble! | think I’d better go! No, stay! And try to understand! This is a temporary situation! See, my wife is on a crash diet! People on diets are always very irritable! Especially on the subject of food! You're really quite a guy to be so patient and understand- ing! How long has your wife been on this crash diet? The same wise guy who’s been fooling around with this REFRIGERATOR!! Let’s see! It started on June 12th, and...I'll have to do a little mental arithmetic Next Tuesday, it’ll be six months short of TWENTY-THREE YEARS! Say! Didn’t Yes...and| Oh, my Simple! | gave myself What a clever idea! It you used to still am! Only goodness! an incentive! Some sure worked! And now, be Regina a much thinner How did ’ years ago, | bought you wear the dress? Kaputnik? version! you a very expensive dress manage that was several sizes to lose too small! Then... | all that dieted down until the weight? dress finally fit me! It took me so long to thin down, the dress went out of style! | was blowing up like a balloon | hate cottage cheese! | never Yes, Miss? What would ... $0 | went on a crash diet of want to see it... smell it... you like to order? Cottage cheese... cottage cheese! I’ve been eating or eat it again! That’s why we nothing but cottage cheese! I’ve came to this restaurant! | am lost weight all right, but cottage going to eat everything on the cheese is coming out of my ears! menu that’s fattening!! | figured if I’m going to diet, | might as well do it right! So | went out and bought all these books on the subject! Diane, darling! You look outrageous... slim, trim and sexy! ' Let me Please, no! serve Just thinking you some about dessert coffee makes me gain and cake! five pounds! That’s DUMB! If you’re going They all That the OTHERS are to diet, you should do it under say the ALL WRONG!! a Doctor’s care! These authors same thing! have their crackpot theories ...and none Tell me! What’s your secret? of them agree! It’s not such a Was it a “‘Low-Starch”’ diet? It’s called a ‘‘Low-Income-In secret! Everybody's A “‘Low-Protein’”’ diet? A -Inflationary-Times-And-Who- talking about it! “‘Low-Cholesterol” diet? Or The-Heck-Can-Afford-To-Eat-At a “‘Low-Carbohydrate”’ diet? -Such-High-Food-Prices’’ diet! None of those! It has a much longer name! Okay! That, | will! | must say, | did save Cream has a trillion you have a lot of calories! And sugar tremendous calories, has a zillion! Which self-control! didn’t |?! is why | carry around my own Saccharin! In that case, I'll take a piece of chocolate cream pie! Are you eating again, you fat slob?! And who the heck ever said that So tell me, Fatso! Do you realize it would take three fat people are jolly?! What's Are you going on of me to make one of you? You can’t jolly about a blob of blubber!? a diet...? even buy clothes like normal people Besides . . . worst of all, your ... off a rack! You have to go to a life-expectancy is shortened! special ‘‘Fat Man’s Shop’”’.. .! Wow! Did you ever turn out to be a Skinny Bolink! Yeah! But getting this way involved an awful lot of GUILT! And | sure would like to get it off my chest! At every meal, | stuck strictly to my diet! But in between, | used to cheat! | used to sneak treats and stuff! And then, as if God decided | see what you mean about to punish me, | began to getting it off your chest!! lose weight all right. . . but in all the WRONG PLACES!! It’s sinful What's the One of the Oh, well! That’s not so! At one time, I was the way you sin in “Seven Deadly Everybody an over-eater! But | went on a diet, stuff your enjoying Sins” is indulges trimmed down to a size ten, and now face! good food? the sin of in one sin | enjoy walking down the streets and “GLUTTONY”! or another! having all the guys whistle at me! See...? | TOLD you everybody indulges in one sin or another! APR j ea , You look so—so | |No, thanks! I'll make | can’t In fact, | can’t eat What It’s a “Food-FREE” diet! gaunt! Let meget|| I’mona you a small have bread spaghetti, ice cream, kind of you something |;| very strict ham sandwich! or meat! bananas, milk, tuna a crazy diet! fish, potatoes, cole diet are slaw, cookies and corn among other things! ai A TE All this dieting is really So if | order one boiled egg, that’s ... Making With all that No... but I’m getting doing me a lot of good! Now, 77 calories ... one ounce of American a total of counting, | don’t to be a WHIZ at MATH!! take lunch, for instance! Cheese, that’s 113 calories ... one exactly 295 see you getting I’m allowed 300 calories... slice of white bread, that’s 63 cal- calories! any thinner! ories ... and acup of shredded raw carrots, that’s 42 calories... Hey, Vivian! You want to have You can take all of my old, What are you You told In a couple of months, you'll a laugh? Look at this! These outsized clothes... and doing, putting me to give be needing them again!! are the pants | wore before give them to the needy! them back in them to | lost all that weight! the closet?!? the needy! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Il ONE DAY IN A RUN-DOWN SHACK Well, Martha... your twenty years of | I’ve finally done it!! Look...! living in poverty, waiting for me to The perfect Bullet-Proof Vest! perfect one of my inventions, is over!! We’re going to be RICH!! LZ (SS) 4 rrr see for yourself! ONCE UPON A MIME DEPT. AMAD LOOK AT a eed ee Vee eweeeeseenae Ka] Fy Ls x ES ca! ee ac ARTIST & WRITER: SERGIO ARAGONES * Ke » ss Oy & : hs ©) eg ee See eee Se ESS TSS See 20 SS GE GD OD ED GE GS GS Ge Ge GP BD Gm GP OD Ee GD GF Ue On me oe om oe as oe és : : & a 5 : 5 : ae 2 ee we ws Oe oe a oo a ao me wa an mS on Ge on ae oe os oe oe eeeeeeeeenene ae: So SS tA tt E08 kL Ss ce <8 Sena enon renee mene eee mene enn e ewan e ena neeemernenennnnnnnmne (SF St fam ee se Me a RS tld adhatealachedontostatadedaakesbedadedatederledededbebedeioiokc tee nn BEN-EDICTIONS DEPT. Since the release of “The White House Transcripts,” Mr. Nixon’s critics and enemies have been calling him dishonest, unprincipled, immoral, etc. And we don’t think that’s fair! Because we read the Transcripts, and there was something vaguely familiar about them. So we checked. Do you know that another famous American, Benjamin Franklin, said practically the same things Mr. Nixon said? Let’s compare Mr. Nixon’s statements* to quotes from... Poor Richards Almanac God helps them that We've got to remember .. . he’s going a S, to do anything to save his ass. Z | 9 it a help themselves. April 17, 1973 y < If Magruder goes down, he will pull everybody down with him. April 14, 1973 A small leak will sink a great ship. You can say, ‘‘I don’t remember!” You can say, ‘‘l can’t recall!”’ “‘| can’t give any answer to that!’ “That, | can’t recall!’ March 21, 1973 Proclaim not all thou knowest ... all thou owest ... all thou hast ... or all thou canst. It’s going to require approximately a million dollars to take care of the jackasses who are in jail. March 21, 1973 The maintaining of one vice costeth more than ten virtues. - Let’s face it... the secretaries ... the assistants know all of this... and you never know when they may crack. March 13, 1973 Little strokes fell great Oaks. Time is of essence. We can’t play around on this. If they’re going to be sentenced on Friday, we are going to have to move on the (expletive deleted) thing pretty fast. March 21, 1973 Lost time is never found. The point is... your feeling is that we just can’t continue to pay the blackmail of these guys... ? March 21, 1973 ’Tis foolish to lay out money for repentence. Dean...outthere...is a loose cannon. April 18, 1973 The worst wheel on the cart makes the most noise. My position up to this time has been ... nobody ever told me a bit of this. April 14, 1973 Innocence is its own defense. If they get a hell of a big fish, that is He that would d lat is ch tish going to take a lot of fire out of this thing must venture on the cover-up. If they get the President’s . . _| former Law Partner and Attorney-General... his bait. : April 15, 1973 Well, for Bob and John... if they put them on that list, it kills them. It may not kill them legally, but it kills them from a standpoint of the public. April 18. 1973 : Glass, china and reputations are easily cracked and never well mended. ARTIST: *The White House Transcripts, The Full Text Of The Submissions Of Recorded Presidential Conversations WRITER: JACK RICKARD To The Committee On The Judiciary Of The House Of Representatives By President Richard M. Nixon LOU SILVERSTONE A New York Times Book Published by Bantam Books, Inc. PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPT. Next time anybody bombards you with an irritating old cliché, don’t just stand there! Say something! Something ... NASTY!! MAD’S SURE-FIRE ARTIST: JACK DAVIS _SPORTS CLICHES gPt LL WF x J Ngee ©. ean JUN That O.J. And 1 cee Around the [Ks On paper, Mm Yeah, but Pound for | don’t know! Simpson thought he eg schoolyard the Kings & i pound... Pound for are a great he’s the pound, | like greatest! steak better! jreally came came here to fierce RY we'd call him a make friends! ompetitor! a a sore loser! | want to get it down before the taste catches up with me! | don’t play fm. Gee, Sis! favorites! | didn’t | love know YOU you both had a lousy the same! deal, TOO! | don’t know Try leaving This is going j | Then REALLY what |l’m | me alone to hurt ME punish me, | going to B and see if morethan | | and let ME do with you! Sam that works! it’s going to | | give YOU hurt YOU! the beating! Yes, squelch any mindless babbler who tries to drop a cliché on you by zapping him with an appropriate answer chosen from CLICHE KILLERS WRITER: STAN HART Well... | wish | there’s could have no said that tomorrow! Hm yesterday! Yeah! Poor guy! Only gets 250 Grand for sit- ting on a bench —doing nothing! You gotta feel sorry for him! His career has been plagued with injuries! He’d be first string on any | have to bend | Well, it’s If you don’t I Say . Haven't Well... let’s : ae Don’t raise your | always say, ‘fair to stop fighting THAT’! : ’ , oice to me! been a poor’’! Now, how I'll Knock imake us Heise will the bash eli ae pee fair Father about trying for both your like each neighbor's think? all day long! Jack LaLenne! “fair to good’’? heads together! other!! POLITICAL CLICHES : If they can ii Who py He'sa Yeah, the oil T put a man on i i There are | think that’s People on Right! | | two things wise, not Welfare They’re | never talking about ‘yi don't WANT too busy discuss: things you to work! stereviel religion... don’t know | W), 4) and politics! anything about! hi re, people, the gas people and the banking people! the moon, why can’t they do something 1 about poverty? ! l There’s a lot You must be | And how | | Half and half! of that going doing some “tare wethis| {| feel fine, but around! great job! morning? you look lousy! How about a No, 4 think WO aspirin delicious I'll eat this iri would do any good, | breakfast? instead! | wouldn't be calling you now! an RELIGIOUS CLICHES ak 8 coo if =| God works in i And always |. {Imagine what >] strange and remember | | it would be wondrous i that God |} j likeif He loves you! | | HATED me! God [Mm I’m glad | : I'm afraid called (@@i 1 have an he’s in him up tof i God's hands =| Heaven! ! now... My Grandfather No need to Then ask was a Republican, apologize! politics! | yourself: ‘ It’s obviously | vote for | Would you +; Republican, and a genetic he man my #}}| vote for I’m a Republican! Husband (| your votes for! || Husband? The people who run the Government in Washington know more about things than we do! Politicians are crooks! Ancient *This may not sound effective, but the sheer idiocy of the answer will stop your antagonist in his tracks. | think you'll live! Ha-ha! Don’t worry! I've performed dozens of these operations! Open a little If | open any Now, now! Let me jab it wider ...so jj wider, you'll see Big fellows fmm in YOUR butt, I can see my lunch... all don’t cry! anid we'll ea! your throat! over the floor! Great! That means you're sending me to another Doctor! God sees | feel RY Shhhhh! We are What’s the Yeah? Did you everything sorry for iS\ believe et You'll ruin “4 doing matter? Is ever take an youdo... Him if He Ae wy God’s work! He sick? algebra test and He knows has nothing § WS without being everything better | in prepared you think! to do! JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. \ \ i \ | ' \ Is} uy ie } i ANY a0 mn iN wally aN, Ui Maly v Wf = 1a Fs UPPING THE PROPHETS DEPT. A lot of people today are saying it’s time to get rid of pornography and permissive- ness and to return to the Good Old Days of Religion and Morality. The problem is that nobody knows how to sell Religion and Morality to the people who are supposed to need them most—namely, the millions of teenagers hooked on Rock and TV. Well, MAD suggests that the Do-Gooders take their cue from the fast-buck Publishers who are making a bundle with their Teen Fan Magazines. Then you'd have something today’s youth could relate to. Like, f’rinstance, this super-glitzy fab publication called MOSES and P — — — - = = a SS = —-P) de Pe T | — wa @. = va — — eas = weal = @ ow = oe) =z = ” b— @ ” go re Saas DELO TDC the NEW GROUPS |. The Apostles! || The Prophets! The Miracles! The Plagues! . DECEMBER /-. How YOU ot NV o~ “ eS) e Pe Zz (= grt fy | can win a 1 TGS Dream Date CA \ \ Yi At 2 : > it { Lay } s x m ly was V a ‘ rf im 2 A Noe ss yf J { Nis i ~ - {/ fi WN tt % j x \ WAY co ’ IR Mh / as x Cf TIIK\WSE Those Whispers About ADAM’s Other Women: | 00'S LATEST WRATH! \ * 4 i (77 utta-Sight Fotos of | ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: FRANK JACOBS 35 METHUSELAH is still breathless after celebrating his birthday. But who wouldn't be after blowing out 900 candles? . . . JONAH has turned down a huge coffer offer to stage his whale act in the Red Sea . . . Newest Philistine joke: How do you break a Philistine’s finger? Hit him in the nose! ... BIBLE BELTS DEPT.: Don’t tell NOAH, but one of his zebras is gay! Don’t invite JESUS and JUDAS ISCARIOT to the same supper. For that matter, don’t invite GOD and SATAN to the same millenium! ... Speaking of SATAN, that little devil, rumor hath it that he’s “that way” about JEZEBEL ... QUERY OF THE MONTH DEPT.: Who’s pulling the wool over the eyes of ISAAC? ... Heard around the Holy Land: “Am I my brother's keeper?” ... “Let my people go!” .. . “Does Sodom tell Gomorrah?” TORRID TRIO Hottest of the hot new groups are Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego. Their many fans hope they won't cool off after the fab suc- cess of their current chart biggie, “We Faked Out That Firey Furnace.” It’s being hushed up, but JOB appears to be on the verge of a blow-up .. . JEREMIAH and ELIJAH are set to exchange guest shots in each other’s realms. It’s all part of the new Prophet-Sharing Plan... How does a Philistine count to 12? On his fingers! . . . Insiders blame ADAM and EVE for the death of ABEL. They claim that’s what'll happen when a couple raises CAIN! ... DAVID’s latest Psalm is sure to hit the top of the charts . . . LOOK-ALIKES DEPT.: OBADIAH the Prophet and the River Jordan. and Thither in the Holy Land Quote of the Month: God to Moses—“Take two tablets and talk to me in the morning!” . .. NEBUCHADNEZ- ZAR (he’s the Babylonian Biggie ) is on the mend after his fingers went numb during an autograph session. Whose wouldn't with a name like his! . . . Speaking of ‘ol NEB, fans everywhere are flipping out over his wild new song, “The Writing on the Wall” with those glitzy lyrics, “Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin” We like Daniel’s interpretation best ... And speaking of Daniel we hear he’s just redone his den. e H Wy AH es ; eg } . 2 PP / y » fy ; i le - SF Ay 1 ed eS AY = f TOP PROPHET Jeremiah proudly holds his “Adam” statuette, presented to him after being chosen “Best Prophet In A Non-Warlike Role.” Other win- ners at ceremony held in Jerusalem: Best King—Solomon. Best Hero In A Supporting Role—Mordecai. Best Apostle In A Doubting Role—Thomas. ij DAVID is still fuming over those “Goliath Lives!” but- tons ... EVE is putting the finishing touches on her fab autobiography, “The Sensuous First Woman” . . . An- swer to J. T. of Canaan: Tell your friend he’s wrong. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon are not a new group ... Answer to K. L.’s query about MOSES and the Red Sea: “To get to the other side!” .. . Be nice to Joshua. We hear he’s getting the run-around . . . Why does a Philistine keep camel dung in his back pocket? For Identification! . . . But don’t get me wrong—I love the Holy Land! eo, te CANAAN CLAN TO SPLIT? Nobody’s denying rumor that Joseph (shown here in his fab, new, glitzy coat of many colors) wants to ditch his brothers and form his own solo act. The Split-up began when Joseph suggested the group change its name from “Jacob's Boys” to “Joseph and the Others.” A lot of stories get spread around, especially about big stars like Samson. Some of the time Samson can stop these rumors himself—with only a jawbone of an ass, but most of the time it’s too late, the damage is done! To help ol’ “Bulging Biceps” himself put a stop to some rumors currently circulating, BIBLE RAVE has researched them at their source and offers these FACTS to finally set things straight! RUMOR: Samson hates Philistines. FACT: Untrue! But he has nothing against lean- ing on them a little! RUMOR: The secret of Samson’s strength is in his diet. FACT: To be perfectly honest, he has a lousy diet. He digs sweets and leavened breads too much. Samson dismissed the “‘special diet” theory with a smile, saying: “I’ve got more im- portant things weighing on my head!” RUMOR: Samson wants to be named king. FACT: Ridiculous! This pinnacle of strength, this mightiest hero of the Holy Land, this super- human wonder who is worshipped by tens of thousands of adoring fans, this greatest warrior who ever lived, is a humble, modest soul who seeks only the simple life. CuborBR RIL — RUMOR: Samson slays Philistines for sport. FACT: Samson would never do that to a dumb animal. He adores Philistine jokes, though, sup- plying a few dandies for Leonard Lionfodder’s page in this issue. RUMOR: Samson won’t go out with girls who don’t kiss on the first date. FACT: Wrong! Samson doesn’t go out with girls who won't arm wrestle on the first date. RUMOR: Samson has a press agent who is hired to get his name in the columns. FACT: Absurd! Samson hates publicity, stat- ing: ““When I see any column, | just push it aside!” Big M. Fans!!! Swe 1. A GIANT POSTER-SIZE MOSES CALEN- DAR! Not only does this year-round keepsake have a fab portrait of Big M., but every important date in his life is recorded for you to remember: ¢ When he first shook up Pharaoh ¢ When he crossed the Red Sea @¢ When he grew his beard ¢ When he had his first date and hundreds more! 2. MONTHLY BIG M. NEWSLETTER! Sent you each month and con- taining all the latest news and gossip. Inside info such as: @ How he likes his eggs ® How he rates the PLUS - If You Join Right Now- AN AUTHENTIC BULLRUSH YOU CAN GROW RIGHT IN YOUR OWN HOME! BIG M. C/O BIBLE RAVE NAME ADDRESS TRIBE HERE’S WHAT YOU GET! Yeah, | want to join the Moses Fan Club. | enclose 50 pieces of silver plus 2 pieces more for postage and handling. Please rush all my glitzy! LAND Favorite Commandment (Circle one) Now! You Can Join The Sah LUB! CL AVIGA = fii zip my We) ‘* WAAAY MAA SQA AA, mw Plagues @ How he remains humble in the face of fame ® How he digs his fab chats with God and hun- dreds more! 3. TEN COMMANDMENTS MINI- ROBE! Perfect for beach party or just lounging around! Inscribed with the Commandment of Your Choice! 4. MOSES STICKERS! Each a dreamy pic of Big M. Plus an eye-catching glitzy message! 5. PERSONALIZED MEMBERSHIP CARD! For you to treasure, cherish, and revere until YOU find YOUR Promised Land! (B.C.) BORN (a.D.) 12345678910 Se eee ee | YOUR BIBLE FAVES REVEAL “What | Dig Most In A Girl!”’ Adam “What’s a girl? I’m not sure I know what one is. There’s this other person living with me ‘ and who’s built different and ~, who doesn’t have to shave. If “ that’s a girl, then I guess I dig xt her. In any case, do I have a ” \ 4 /| N\ “T like a girl who digs walking. And I mean walking—like for seven days in circles. I know . this sounds kinda kooky and \\ that there are a lot of chicks -i\\ who prefer riding in chariots. \ But that’s their hang-up. Oh, Methuselah — “T’ve got a thing for younger & women, so once a girl hits the ¢ age of 300 she begins to lose me. I tried dating a 370-year- old once, but all she wanted to rap about was the problems of reaching middle-age. Give me an unspoiled, fresh, young 140- year-old anytime.” tsi \ AYA eS AN \\\We- a; WANS Buk He hy # 4 i “That’s a tough question. You see, I’ve never been alone with a girl. I’ve been alone with ten girls and twenty girls and once even with thirty-seven girls: I dunno. I guess I’d have to say I dig a girl who likes to share.” SS LAO LY) aie, Bs Bible Rave’s Pick of the Period! The Song Your Editors Figure Will Reach the Top Of The Sinai Summit of FAB SONG HITS!!! “HE PROMISED US THE PROMISED LAND” (AS SUNG BY AARON AND THE ISRAELITES) We were bugged by funky Pharaoh Till we thought our minds’d blow! Then Big M, he zapped it to us And he told us where to go! And he promised us the Promised Land, Land, Land, And he led us ‘cross that crazy stretch of sand, sand, sand! Now Big M, he knew that Pharaoh Wouldn’t budge without a push, But he knew that God was groovin’ From that far-out Burning Bush! (REPEAT CHORUS) Well, Big M he hyped that Red Sea Till the water turned to ground, But when Pharaoh tried to follow He was permanently drowned! (REPEAT CHORUS FOR 40 YEARS WHILE WANDERING IN WILDERNESS) COMING NEXT WEEK! It’s Glitzy! It’s Yurky! It’s Frankincense, Gold, & Myrrh! It’s the next Eye-Popping Issue of BIBLE RAVE Featuring All Your Fantastic Dreamy Holy Land Faves! * *& HH HH HH HH KH KH HK Moses—Why He’s Hung Up On The GOLDEN CALF! KKK KKK KKK KKK KKK KKK KKK Seven Swinging Psalms You Can Groove On Your Lyre! ** *&£ * # *# *# *e HF HF HH HK HHH H THE ONE MAN RUTH WOULDN’T FOLLOW! KKK KKK KKK KKK KKK Ka KKK Kk Six More Full-Color Stick-Um Fotos Of SOLOMON’S WIVES! (Numbers 339 through 344 in a series of orie thousand. Collect them all!) ** ££ ee HH KKH HK KH KH HK HK GIANT MINI-POSTERS OF FOUR NEW PROPHETS YOU NEVER HEARD OF! KKK KKK KK KKK KKK KKK KK KKK JUDAS BEGS HIS FANS: “Please Trust Me”! VIVE L’INDIFFERENCE DEPT. YOU HAVE REACHED A S AVE REACHED A STATE OF APATHY WHEN YOU H : YOU HAVE REACHED A ... you see someone being mugged, _. .. even though the person being mugged - ua = and you don’t do a thing about it happens to be your wife or girlfriend! ... you finally get your very own pad YOU HAVE REACHED A STATE OF APATHY WHEN... YOU HAVE REACHED A Tet , Ae — ; .. you go to Confession for a ~*~ eer . .. somebody swipes the Centerfold of the first time in six months... and you haven’t got anything to confess! your new copy of Playboy Magazine... YOU HAVE REACHED A STATE OF APATHY WHEN... YOU HAVE REACHED A ts . there’s a program on TV you can’t 40... you finally get tosee an X-rated movie... _...and you fall asleep! . stand, but you watch the whole thing! | eLasr PLAST ic | | SuRce RY cae TATE OF APATHY WHEN... STATE OF APATHY WHEN. . . and you sit around, watching TV! STATE OF APATHY WHEN... . and you don’t even notice it missing! STATE OF APATHY WHEN... And when the same show is repeated as a Summer Re-run, you watch it again! ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE YOU HAVE REACHED A STATE OF APATHY WHEN... .and you give her the number of an Electrician! . your neighbor with the fantastic sexy body calls to tell you all her fuses have blown out ae, HAVE REACHED A STATE OF ae dla “ee . you watch t e TV News while eating -and it doesn't bother your appetite! ~ Me HAVE REACHED A STATE a APATHY WHEN ea : you gO to an Ice Cream place that has fifty different delicious flavors . and you order Vanilla! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Iil One Evening At The Stamp Club Meeting Hiya, Charlie! Hi, Lou! I’m on my way to The The Stamp Club Yeah! | joined about a month | | | | Where ya goin’? Stamp Club Meeting! Come along! Meeting .. .?!? ago! It’s really great!! . P.D.-ATRICS DEPT. | Good ' Lord! | What's going on here? A guy got run over by a car! Well... at least the Police got here fast! They didn’t have far to go! THEY were the ones who ran over But the three of them are just standing around their car! Why don’t they DO something? They ARE doing something! They’re giving themselves citations for _reckless driving! Gee ...none of those Police Officers seem to know anything about Crime! Oh, they know A LOT about Crime! Boy, talk about STEALING... they accept paychecks for appearing on this show every week as... gee \ WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES Because we're close C’mon, Willies ...C’mon, Terrier... Wake up!! buddies! Because we share everything! Okay! Ill just wake up my fellow Officers, Terrier and Willies... -|Hey, wake | up, Mite! It’s time to go to work!! Why are you always so concerned about THEM? —~ Yeah! | KNOW! If we’re just ONE | | MINUTE ll late, Lt. | Pyker goes through the roof! speaking complete foals '...); guys are EARLY! Doesn't it tee you off to hear Senior Officers ~ talk about us Rookies like we were a bunch of incompetents?! He’s just pretending! |: Under that cold exterior is awarm interior! Gee! And of we thought you'd be angry! Actually, Hey! You m& we’re two mm minutes Yeah! And inside that warm interior is a heart of stone! | meant you’re early Yeah! If they’d only watch us, they’d see we’re as Capable as any Veteran! Hey... why don’t you pull in here for some coffee? for TOMORROW’s shift! There’s only 7 hours and 58 minutes left of do TODAY's shift! Now, there’s a jewel thief at large, and | want you guys to apprehend the perpetrator! lf we can’t that, is catching the crook Huh? What do you mean, why don’t I pull in here for some coffee! I'M not driving! That’s funny... Willies and Terrier will be partners today! And Mite, you'll pair up with Senior # Officer Pincher... N Now, each one of these pins represents a jewel robbery! But we have no clues, no suspects and no motives! | tell you, this thief is making complete fools out of everyone on the Force! Oh, no! | don’t want to trust my life to some Rookie Cop! You Oh, yeah?!? I'm a lot smarter than probably don’t that! And even know what if | hadn’t end of the gun forgotten the bullet my gun, I'd comes out of!! show you! See that?! It’s the old story! There’s Lt. Pyker, you’re giving that crook too much credit! We were complete fools long before he showed up! Er— | don’t think that came out right! And that’s Come, how those now, guys act Officer after ten Pincher! months... We were like they ALL were Rookies Rookies ONE day! DIRS never a Cop around when you need one!! Attention, all units! Another | don’t care WHAT Er—| don't Oh, nothing Because that way, Lt. Pyker says, | think I can dumb like jewel robbery is in progress at | get to make still wish | didn’t do that! that! I—| 21 Vonch Road, so everybody ANOTHER wild have a Rookie as a forgot the 4, make reckless, tire-squealing, U-turn—like this! partner! Now, call Why? Forget microphone = audience-grabbing, wild U-turns in to the Station, the number for the radio! already Boy, are we gonna and see if we can of our Car, It’s home going in surprise Terrier break for Dinner! Rookie... ? with my gun! the right and Willies when direction! we get there first! Hey, you know... something tells me we shouldn’t have made a U-turn where we did! You guys should be more careful! You nearly ran over my Suitcase... and it contains $150,000 in stolen jewelry! You’re always so picky! Just because we did it on a One-Way Street and now we're going 90-miles-an-hour against the traffic! This way, I'll bet we get to 21 Vonch Road first! Boy, are we gonna surprise Mite and Pincher! / — \ id if gq We'll try to be more careful next time! Er—say... how come the mask? Well, quite frankly, I’m covering up my face because I’m so embarrassed .. . for YOUR sake! Hey! That guy over there looks like he could be the jewel thief! Go get him! My door’s stuck! So’s mine! Well, then blow your WHISTLE!! I can't! It’s home with my gun and the microphone! ~~ | When | said you guys m.| should go out there | and have a smashing ~ day, | didn’t mean smashing up Police Cars! Not only did you demolish TWO of them... but you let the jewel thief slip ' through your fingers! Don’t you think it’s strange... getting all that jewelry from a new boyfriend? : g? Can | help you, Ma’am? | don’t think so! | already DID all the good lines! { a Not really! They’ve KNOWN each other for nearly a Aw, c’mon, Lieutenant, you can’t | really be | angry with | us! We're just three big lovable a My...daughter... # sob... is missing! _ Missing what? i Hey...there & hm are stillsome jf ¥| good lines left! } | don’t buy the “‘big,’’ and | don’t buy the ‘lovable’! “‘DOPES,” I'll buy! Now, look at this CRIME MAP! It can’t go on like this! Why? Are you |__| Out! \Y wearing