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Full text of "MAD Magazine 171 1974
"
See other formats
OUR PRICE
= ¥
af / @a Vw :
MAD SALUTES
Also In This Issue We Zing“THE STING”
ENT
4 MIND-BLOWING INCID
Ve cease S wae ms Se
Pa Ph)
' \
1 geass
‘¥
»
ut
ety BD I eo oe i!
ARTIST & WRITER: SERGIO ARAGONES
NUMBER 171
DECEMBER 1974
“Driving while drunk often leads to mourning after!”
—Alfred E. Neuman
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor
JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors
JACK ALBERT lawsuits
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, ERIKA HOLTON,
DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots
DEPARTMENTS
ALFRED’S POOR ALMANAC
October 3rd to November 13th . 05... ec cece ees e secu 12
BEN-EDICTIONS DEPARTMENT
Poor Richard's Ainmnageriaes oh ist eee Se ea ae 29
BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter: Side Of Clehing= 766 cate ta Sout aan a ka eres 20
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT
One Morming. inv Sunery: hg aren won oes ee ea 11
One Day In A Run-Down Shack ...............000ceeeuee 25
One Evening At The Stamp Club Meeting................. 42
DOOM IT MAY CONCERN DEPARTMENT
The MAD °Crieis Primers soot wie eee 2 eee. 4 a pee 13
IT’S IN THE PUNCHCARDS DEPARTMENT
We Are Losing Our War Against Computers .............. 18
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy V8. Spy sd «0 Be cuk te bg oe ee Aa ee eth etm ly ene 34
KING CON DEPARTMENT
“The Zing” (A MAD Movie Satire). ...............s00a0e 4
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ...................0. 2
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
“Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones ................0000. ~s
ONCE UPON A MIME DEPARTMENT
A MAD Look AtFSIfy 4 ales cite oc, 5 es ior ew te eek ts 26
P.D.-ATRICS DEPARTMENT
“The Rookers” (A MAD TV Satire) ...............000 00 eee 43
PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPARTMENT
MAD’s Sure-Fire Cliche Killers ..................00c000e 30
UPPING THE PROPHETS DEPARTMENT
“Bible Rave. Magazine’ vo c53 0, en sen wi aes co way 35
VIVE L’ INDIFFERENCE DEPARTMENT
You Know You’ve Reached A State Of Apathy When....... 40
**Various Places Around The Magazine
MAD—December 1974, Volume 1, No. 171 Published monthly except February, May, August and No-
vember, by.E. C. Publications, Inc., 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage
paid at New York, N.Y. Subscriptions: in U.S.A., 20 issues $10.00. Outside U.S.A., 20 issues $12.50.
Allow 10 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright © 1974 by E. C.
Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and
request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of
characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a
living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A.
“THE ZING”
(A MAD
MOVIE
SATIRE)
THE
MAD
CRISIS
PRIMER
Pg. 13
THE
LIGHTER
SIDE OF
DIETING
Pg. 20
Don’t worry! I've performed
dozens of these operations!
: ! MAD’S
SURE-FIRE
CLICHE
KILLERS
“BIBLE
RAVE”
(MAGAZINE
SATIRE)
ROOKERS”
(A MAD TV
SATIRE)
Pg. 43
WHY KILL YOURSELF?
JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE
LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND?
SUBSCRIBE TO
AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME!
eS Soe an eee use coupon or duplicate -~~~-~~~-~--—
MAD
485 MADison Avenue
New York, N.Y. 10022
1 enclose $10.00*. Enter my name on
your subscription list, and mail me
the next 20 issues of MAD Magazine.
*In Canada, $10.00 in U.S. Funds, payable by International
Money Order or Check drawn on a USA bank. Outside the USA
and Canada, $12.50, payable by International Money Order or
Check drawn on a USA Bank. Allow 10 weeks for subscription
to be processed. We cannot be responsible for cash lost or
stolen in the mails, so CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PREFERRED!
NOW...SAVE 35¢!
Ignore this ad for full-color portraits
of Alfred E. Neuman, MAD’s ‘‘What—Me
Worry?”’ kid! Because that’s what one
costs! Two issues ago, before the price
rise, you would’ve only saved 25¢ if
you ignored this ad! Now, they’re 35¢
for 1, 75¢ for 3, $1.55 for 9, $3.15
for 27 and $6.35 for 81! So if you can’t
ignore this ad, that’s what you send to:
MAD, 485 MADison Ave., N.Y., N.Y. 10022
LETTERS DEPT.
SERPICOOL
Beneath MAD’s humorous satire lies a
very penetrating, serious insight into life.
This was especially clear in your excellent
satire, “Serpicool.” The message of police
corruption was very real in the film, and
your treatment of this abuse was especially
revealing through the sharp ridicule. Be-
ing so close to the home turf of New
York’s Finest, you are in a position to
judge. Accolades for Drucker and Hart!
Thomas Brock
Tempe, Ariz.
In “Serpicool”, you completely ignored
the point of the movie and just tried to
get some laughs out of it. Remember,
satire is supposed to make you laugh and
then think.
Rebeca Porto
Miami, Fla.
Although police corruption is a harsh
and lamentable subject, your satire makes
it seem “funny” in the same way
M*A*S*H makes the war seem “funny.”
Much is said in “jest.”
Joseph Brown
Staten Island, N.Y.
“Serpicool” was a great satire on a man
who should have been made Police Com-
missioner . . . instead of being made a
target!
Paul Sundick
Great Neck, N.Y.
Mort Drucker and Stan Hart’s “Serpi-
cool” was really Super-cool!
Michael Komkov
Lubbock, Texas
TRADEMARK GRAFFITI
Al Jaffee’s “Trademark Graffiti” was un-
fair to all, the way good satire should be!
Steven Lionel
Ithaca, N.Y.
ae
TRASH AS JAFFEE S |
"TRADEMARK GRAFFITI
Perry Gaither
Tucson, Ariz.
ONE DAY AT NOTRE DAME
Don Martin’s “One Day At Notre
Dame” proves you've got to play a hunch!
Scott Guidry
Carencro, La.
A MAD LOOK AT FUNERALS
I almost died laughing at “Funerals”.
What a (MAD) way to go!
Rudolph Crosse
Slayton, Minn.
A MAD HISTORY OF SEX
I was amazed at how tastefully Larry
Siegel and George Woodbridge handled
“A MAD History Of Sex’. It had a good
point, too. As soon as I figure out what
it is, [ll tell you.
Bob De Moss
Los Altos, Calif.
THE WHOLE “DON’’
THING IS HERE!
Yes, it is now—finally—available .
WMiartin o,
.. “The Completely MAD Don
. a collection of the Best (Or the Worst, if you like!) of
MAD’s Maddest Artist. All of the memorable mishaps, outlandish adven-
tures and kookie carryings-on of the wild, zany and absurd characters
Don Martin has created over the years for MAD Magazine ...in one book!
“THE COMPLETELY MAD DON MARTIN”
ae
ON SALE NOW AT ALL BOOKSTANDS
(We’re sorry .. . but no mail orders!)
A MAD GUIDE TO STATUS SYMBOLS ARE YOU
In your “A MAD Guide To Status ALL WRAPPED UP IN AN
Symbols” you left out: Fancy clothes are
not a Status Symbol. Streaking through EMPTY-HEADED EXISTENCE?
the Women’s Wear Department is.
Dave Nolting
So. Beloit, Ill.
Owning rare first issues of MAD is not THE INVISIBLE
a Status Symbol. Using them to house-
train your puppy is.
Elaine Schmidt
Langhorne, Pa.
THE HIGH COST OF LIVING sae OS it zeroes in on the unseen forces
responsible for the disappearing morality
and vanishing values of our transparent
society, and helps you to see through the
Unwind... with the out-of-sight humor of
Don’t delude yourselves; there is 2o
lighter side of the high cost of living!
Selma Lazouri
New York N™ gauze and effect of national leaders who
suffer from lack of vision... or who...
SAVE THE EAGLE! possibly . . . aren’t even all there! Yes
Maybe President Nixon will save the
eagle. I’ve heard he’s for the birds ... THE INVISIBLE MAD
Lyra Halprin :
Santa Monica, Calif. SHOWS YOU THAT LIFE ISN’T ALL THAT
A NOSE FOR MAD MEETS THE EYE—THAT IT’S ACTUALLY
I wrote to the Handyman column in my A BIG NOTH ; NG |
local newspaper and asked them if they ‘e
had a suggestion for getting the smell out
of old MAD magazines. They wrote back ON SALE NOW AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTAND, OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 75¢
that they didn’t know, and along with the
reply they also added that they didn’t
know how to get the smell out of new
MADs, either.
ween use coupon or duplicate
MAD
William Crawford 485 MADison Avenue
St. Bonifacius, Minn. New York. N.Y. 10022
, e co
DRUCKER’S FIRST COVER
I adore Mort Drucker’s “Special Cop
Out Issue” cover, his first cover for MAD. NAME
I'll bet your Officer Neuman is the slow-.
est nightstick in his precinct!
Maureen McCaffrey ADDRESS
Pelham Manor, N.Y.
Concerning the subtitle of MAD #169: CITY
What do you mean, “SPECIAL” Cop Out
Issue?! ? Aren’t they all?! ? STATE ZIP CODE
ried! Boterenbrood ;
Grand Haven, Mich ee ;
2 ‘ PLEASE ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE
———————— . _THE INVISIBLE MAD .
Please Address All Correspondence To: - SEND ME: Ll Alc teed ee adhe
bina iene Ratgeber "(The Bedside MAD Li The PortableMAD=—=—=—*=~*«~<“<~*« TP ATEN SPV vs. SPY
: (JSonofMAD ()MAD Power oS [_] SPY vs. SPY Follow Up File
- Cithe Organization mad (ithe DirtyOldMAD = ~~ ~—_— >} 3rd MAD Dossier of SPY vs. SPY
(jlikeMAD (J Polyunsaturated MAD — (_] A MAD Look at Old Movies
_[] The Ides of MAD (The RecycledMAD = —— ~—_ FJ Return of MAD Old Movies —
_£] Fighting MAD [1 The Non-Violent MAD . (] MAD-VERTISING —
_ Ci The MAD Frontier S (ithe Rip-OffMAD = = =~ FYAMAD Look at TV
CJ MAD in Orbit — The Token MAD -__ AL JAFFEE’s Snappy Answers -
(J The Voodoo MAD [7] The Pocket MAD [J AL JAFFEE’s MAD Book of Magic —
| () Greasy MAD Stuff _ [] DON MARTIN Stags Out [More AL JAFFEE Snappy Answers
(Three Ring MAD — s 2 FI DON MARTIN Bounces Back = =~—S&-] AL JAFFEE’s MAD Monstrosities _
[Self-Made MAD (J DON MARTIN Drops 13Stories = [jAragones's “Viva MAD!”
() The MAD fae [MAD's Captain Klutz - (J Aragones’s MAD about MAD ©
_ ©] World, World, etc. AD _ (DON MARTIN Cooks — _ [JAragones’s MAD-ly Yours _
On Raving MAD: - . [DON MARTIN Comes On Strong DJ Aragones’s in MAD We Trust
MAD (DON MARTIN Carries On - {) MAD forBetteror Verse _
ot) Questiona MAD - CDAVE BERG Looks at the USA. | [JSingAlongWithMAD
CjHowlingMAD CIDAVE BERG Looks at People = += [J MADAboutSports —
(The Indigestibl MAD CJ] DAVE BERG Looks atThings = |= []MAD’s Talking Stamps _
(] DAVE BERG Looks at Modern Thinking TIMADWord Power = (i i stsst*s
- CIDAVEBERG OurSick World = 0 MAD Cradle to ae Primer
ue CO DAVE BERG Looks at ind
: : Oo relges MAD
DON MARTIN'S BEST CARTOONS
FROM MAD MAGAZINE
8 “On. orders outside MUSA be
a! ENCLOSE 75¢ FOR EACH gure to add 10% extra. Allow at
mr ier orser oreered : - : - (Minimum Order: 6 Books!) ~ _ feast six weeks for delivery.
KING CON DEPT.
Throughout the years, Hollywood has given us many beautiful couples...Ginger Rogers
and Fred Astaire, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw...
but, unquestionably, the most beautiful movie couple of all is Paul Newman and Robert
Redford. “Beautiful” not only in the physical sense, but for Theater Owners in terms
of Box Office Receipts. And, as is always the case, in order to capitalize on a movie
success, Hollywood has come up with a “sequel”! Yep, if you like charm, wit, style
and nostalgia...well, then, go see “Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid.” That movie
had all those elements. As far as this sequel is concerned, we don’t know what it has!
Because we were too confused! Mainly, we're still trying to figure out the plot of...
Somebody,
HELP
ME ees
First... that
man stabbed
me and stole
my wallet!
Then... this
If you
think
THAT’S
My name is Johnny
Looker! |’m just
a stranger who
Please! I’m hurt and |
have $5000 that has
to be delivered to a
contact at Wabash and
10th! Will one of you
Wait! You gotta
protect yourself!
Take the $5000...
and your own money,
too ...wrapitina
No trick! |
always walk
around with
my money
wrapped in
Hey! involved, happened to be
just passing by! I'm
WAIT also a graduate of
a while!
handkerchief .. . and
stuff it down your
pants like this...
asa hanky
stuffed down
my pants! The
Depression
What man stopped
in him and got
my money back!
take it there for me?
heck
is For The Incredibly mL
going
ON?
Sounds kinda
INVOLVED!
0 rere ss
Good-Looking!”’
$5000?! Why—giggle—
I'LL do it for you!!
My OWN money, TOO?
Is this a trick. . .?
makes men do
silly things!
Okay, I'll
make the drop
for you! But
you better
As long
as I’m
not the
patsy
No, you’re not
our mark! Just
hit the contact
at the drop! We
PLEASE! For God's
sake! | need HELP!!
Are you No, I’m
in pain? in a fog!
No, it was a BAD
con! Because in
that complicated
Money-in-a-Hanky
But we got eleven
thousand dollars!
Yeah, but I’m so
HOT in pictures
not be two It's no
grifters fox cheap
playing me street
for a sucker!
these days, my
Undershorts are
probably worth
TWELVE thousand!
exchange we pulled, |
| accidentally
handed him my
UNDERSHORTS!
wouldn't play a
numbers runner Do cba | need a
for a chump! need a fj Con Man's
Doctor? | § Dictionary!
in your
Ett ie
sceereey Seam. eee
‘Se see ae een
x 7s
mw
=
ri
me
erieisesesesareees
WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN
Boss! One of fp What'’ll we do?
our runners Well, normally I'm aman a
was conned out} | of violent revenge! But This time we'll
of eleven grand | since they’re just a pair KILL them first
of it... WHY NOT? by a pair of of petty grifters, we'll ... THEN we'll
I'm much prettier petty grifters! take it easy on 'em! rough ’em up!
than you are!! x |
ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER
Well... " Yeah! Then I'll be
here | am! You You fool! You doing YOUR ACT!
I've got | just }4 blew your roll!
$3000 and f@ lost B You keep this
a date with yA the up and you'll
a Burlesque F% $3000, ff lose the shirt |
Queen! Johnny! off your back! |
EO .
Hey, come to think
Okay, bum!
| want
$2000
from your
cut of
the take
from the
con on the
numbers
runner!
What happened?
They killed
Lothar! They
shot him, then
pushed him
out his window!
Excuse me!
I’m looking
for Henny
Goniff! |
was told he
could teach
me the
“Big Con’!
| AM the Police! I’m Lt.
Snide, a corrupt Chicago
Plainclothes Cop! And as
a complicated sub-plot,
41 weaving its way through
the entire film, | will
hound you until | catch
up with you and beat your
retty face to a pulp!
H—Here’s the
$2000! Please!
Don’t do it!
JOHNNY! You
mean to say
you're afraid
of a lousy
BEATING
from a COP?!?
qi. oa
_jway through
Quick! Let’s scram
A beati
ing | before Lt. Snide
could take!
But | don’t
think I can
STAND a
complicated
SUB-PLOT
weaving its |
| just
handed him!
| You—you mean it’s
COUNTERFEIT?!?
THIS film!
examines that money
Y'know, I’m
beginning to
think that
Chicago is
NOT such a
toddlin’ town!
ace
YOU... want
y,| to learn the
A, “Big Con”?!? |_
...the
second oldest
profession in
the world!
a
No, thank you, Ma’am!
I’m not interested in
learning the OLDEST
profession in the world!
Henny’s upstairs, handsome!
But if you. . . stick around,
I'LL teach you a few things! [£7
Yr
3 I’m waiting for the first
| of those cute, episodic
ii ‘Title Cards” which are ig
COPS are |i] supposed to explain the @
coming! What }!} plot... butinstead,
are you yj] only serve to thoroughly ff
waiting for? || confuse the audience! f
ror
Y i+
But—but the
So, you're
the great
Henny.
Goniff?!?
1 Well, say
| something! |
eee
fC Die
TB
Sa
Which way’d they
go, Sundance... ?]|-
You drunken sot!
That was our
OTHER picture!
Well... . let’s put it
this way! Those four
$500 bills he’s got
are small. . . orange
... they have choo-
choos... and they say §
“Monopoly” on them! }
Tre
No... you’re wrong!! That
picture IS this picture!
The only difference is:
| We’re wearing costumes of
the '30’s, and now YOU'RE
er’ than ME!
My friend
Lothar
told me
you were
once the
“greatest”!
What
happened
Irishman?
He’s not
gonna be
an easy
I’m
looking
for a
grifter
named
Johnny
Looker!
| know
he hangs
out here! |
Well... 1
had some
terrifying
career
set-backs
recently!
Yeah? Like
WHAT...?
He’s got
no known
vices! He
doesn't
Like
“The
Mackintosh
Man”,
“Judge
Roy Bean”’
and
“Pocket
Money”!
‘4,
Hey! |
know a
terrible
secret
Well, if ’'m the
“King’’—how /
_| come YOU'RE |
the “King Of The i sitting on the Now...
Con’’?!? HAH!! [| THRONE? the first
“TTT, 1 : thing we
: . do is
assemble
amob...
| You look ridiculous!
: And you're
Okay, kid!
supposed to be
You're on!
jin common,
What’s that?
Y'know!
was just
thinking!
We have
something
amazing
It’s amazing
how two guys
could be so
down-and-out
—and STILL
have such
great teeth!
you and I!
Okay, that’s it then! Here's the plan!
We trap him with the “‘Card Hustle’! We
give him the “‘Hook”’ on the train with
the ‘‘Tally-Ho Deck’’ and “‘The Reverse
Shuffle’’! We follow up with the “Fake
Bookie”’ set-up! We suck him in with the
I'm doing this thing for
revenge! How about you? ->
Me? I’m doing it for the
thrill of the con ...the
exhilaration of seeing a
Is THAT all you
WANT out of it?
No, If the
con WORKS, |
may ALSO be
i smoke...
drink, or
“dip”
when he
dances!
pees
It may be a while!
Why not spend the
time making love to
one of my girls?
Looker?
He
ain't
been
in yet
tonigtil ME?!? Spend time
making love to one
of your girls!?!
That’s crazy! I’m a
Chicago Policeman!
eeattee he
“Shut Out” and cap it with the “‘Zing’’!
What do you
think, Looker?
“Telegraph Office’’ ploy, slip him the able to buy
a shirt with
SLEEVES!
CN conceived fantastic plan!
It’s an OLD TRICK...
but it just might work!
Dull Irishman!
We're gonna
pull the “Big
Con”’ on him!
| This place is perfect
| for a gambling room!
| O.K., get furniture,
teletypes and a bar!
We're making it into
a fake Bookie Joint!
Oh! Well
in that
case...
maybe
you'd like
to spend
the time | |
BEATING |
UP one of
Dull Irishman?!
The “Big Con’’?! 5
| bet you don’t
pull it off!!
A fake Bookie Joint?
Who’s the mark... ?
See...?
place was
gambling
ALREADY!
Okay!
The
“‘hook’’
is
set!
He’s
waiting
in the
next
I'm ready...
Now, remember!
He usually
plays with a
Tally-Ho deck!
And he likes
to cold it low
... eights
and nines!
J car...
Shorry |'m late!
| wash inna John!
Mr. Shlep, this
is a Gentlemen’s
game...and ye
fergot to button
yer shirt an’ tie!
fasht!
| have
four
Not sho
JACKSH!
tha’s bad?
Wait'll
yuh
shee what
ELSHE
| forgot
t’ button!
What the... ?!?
But ye just had
four THREES!!
How’d ye come up
with four JACKS?
If he
uses a
Bicycle
deck,
then I'd
soak
my
body in
Moxie!
How mush you gonna
bet, Mr. lronman...?
The name is
IRISHman...an’
don’t ye fergit
it! An’ aye’ll
be bettin’ five
thousand...
You kiddin’??
If | washn’t
sho drunk, |
would’ve come
up with four
ELEVENS!
Looker, do you get the
crux of what I’m doing?
Actually, I’m
so confused
and mixed up
by all this,
| don’t really
know WHAT’S |
going on! ff
THAT'S
What did he
look like?
Conductor,
| |expect my
| poker games
| to start on
time! Where
jis Mr. Shlep?
He was very
good looking,
with blue
eyes anda
He said he’d — _pixie-ish
That could
be almost
ANYONE in
this movie!
Gentlemen—
let’s start
the game
without him!
Wal, I'll jus’ shee
your fi’ thousan’ an’
raish yuh nother
TWO, Mr. Irish Gin!
| TOLD ye! The name
is lrishMAN! An’
aye’ll be raisin’
YE another FOUR...
FM
Conductor! This
man is a cheat!
This game is a
farce! What do
you Say to that?
Wow! It’s a real Battle
Royal! Who has the edge?
It’s close, but |
think Robert Shaw's
lrish brogue is a
bit less ridiculous
-| than Paul Newton's
a cutesy drunk!
ne y
Aboard! All
aboarrrrrd!
Tickets...
please! All
tickets...
But who’s gonna be
the final winner?
Robert Refford! By
staying OUT of
this scene, he
winds up with an
Academy Award
Mr. Kelby, let me understand!
You want to double-cross your
Boss, who cheated me in a poker
game? You want to destroy him by
bankrupting his bookie operation
with a crazy plan you have? And
you want me to FINANCE that
plan to the tune of $500,000?
That's about it, Mr. Irishman!
Yeah!
Do you realize Let’s go
that every Con outside
Artist, Grifter }) inthe
and Thug
around is in where it’s
this room! SAFE!!
]_ It's simple! A call will
_| come in on the pay phone
-|with the name of a horse!
As soon as you have the
information, go across
the street to the Bookie
d bet on it!
Now, doesn’t it seem
rather ILLOGICAL that
a crafty, street-wise
Syndicate Racketeer
like me would go along
with a plan that has
so many obvious flaws?
4 Barracuda! ~
Yes, Sir... it DOES
seem rather illogical!
You’re in! Step
over and take
a suit...
You’re in! Step
Okay ... state
over and take
yourname...
and Con Game!
I'm Sid Wabash!
| saw a man, he
danced with his
wife! He had the
time, the time
of his life!
lee ze <
6
I'm Irv Muntz!
I'm The Peoria
Capone's pocket
on State Street
... that great
featuring
and
That was it! We
| bet Egg Cream to
‘| win, Seltzer to
"| place and Coca-
‘| Cola to show at
Narragansett!!
| don’t see
Barracuda
on the menu!
That’s not a Con! That’s
a SONG! Who sent you?
UNIVERSAL
PICTURES!
They want to
make sure each
scene overfiows
with warmth
nostalgia!
Hold it! That’s an
order for a Soda
Fountain delivery!
The horse info
comes in on THAT
pay phone!
This is my contact
at Western Union!
He gets the Race
Results and calls
me before he calls
the Bookie Joint!
Hmm! Okay, I'm in
for the $500,000!
...andin i
tiful!
the sixth at srt
Belmont, it’s actually
LUCKY NICK, i
JCK falling
winning by a for the
length and phony
paying $25!
mean
you
actually
BUY
that
story?!?
after we're
through
HERE...
there’s a
bridge in
BROOKLYN |.
| want you
to look at!
Oh, yeah... ?! Just wait until P
Washington, of the Seventies! §
Quick!
Hide me |
in the
bathroom |.
in the
back!
Relish this moment, kid! Because
it could only happen here and now
... in The Golden Age Of The Big
Con... Chicago, of the thirties!
There’s a man
outside who’s
after me! If he
in the biggest
: jam of my life!
Okay—here’s
Johnny
Looker!
I finally
nabbed him
for you guys!
I'm Special Agent Poke
of the F.B.I.! | asked
Lt. Snide to bring you
in! We’re after your
friend, Henny Goniff...
and we got a tip that
he’s running a Big Con
on the South Side...
| don’t know anything
about it! Not a thing!
Listen, if you don't
cooperate, |'ll call
that crazy Commie Nut,
Sadie Mafoosky, and
tell her where you are!
You remember her, and
THE WAY YOU WERE!
il talk! | know
EVERYTHING about
it! EVERYTHING!!
Now, you got this deal straight,
P.J.? We pose as painters to con
the Telegraph Office Manager into
giving us the use of his office!
Then, we pose as real Telegraph
Agents to con Irishman when he
arrives any moment with Looker!
And we've got exactly 17 seconds
to pull off the whole switcheroo!
Nowe.
of
+
“The |}
- Great |}
( Gatsby”! : : or Fe
Just don’t
try to
fold the
con on us!
Gosh, no!
Golly gee!
Why, !
wouldn’t
do that!
No siree!
tf,
Fh EE i
/ fe
fe
MARTIAN”!
It’s scenes
like this
that make
me miss the
“realism” and
“credibility”
of “MY
FAVORITE
~ nan
ace | PRODUCTION
Of) 7
Huh? WHAT
did you say?
Ooops! It
slipped! |
reverted to
my real life
personality!
And | was
doing so well
up to now!
You woke | | Please... Gee, the only » Your She was
me up, | | let mein, A girl needs tender other sexpot jj mustache | running Yes... just before
you | Doretta! | words and compliments || !’ve known is 4 is MUCH to meet [# she killed YOU! She
deadbeat! I'm lonely before she can let a Henny Goniff! @ SMALLER! me, and & wasa “Hit” lady,
Go away! and | must @ guy make love to her! ne i : f you—you || sent by the Mob to
| need my make love First tell me how | Well... how | KILLED entice you with
Beauty to you! compare to the other do | compare §& Ss @_ her! her good looks!
Sleep! = sexpots you’ve known! i ag ;
Nobody # Quick! You'd
You can. kiss They’re ALSO YOU don’t
| The big moment! Irishman [ move! [— better get # your $500,000 dead and gone! || understand?
is on his way with the We're out of here, | goodbye! It’s Can’t you see?
$500,000 and the name F.B.1. M Mr. Irishman! § dead and gone! Look at the
of the horse! Everybody, agents! ; ae Isee it... expressions
take your places for... This But...what | But what about but | don’t on the faces
7 ji is a about my Mr. Shlep and UNDERSTAND || of the movie
$500,000?!? Mr. Kelby? any of it!!
audience!!
Wow! What a CON!! | | A lot of people who saw Fellas... | got GOOD We conned Dull — Now, the BAD NEWS! — Which means
Everyone thought our performances NEWS, and BAD NEWS! Irishman out The whole operation we LOST
we were dead thought we were dead First, the GOOD NEWS: cost us $700,000! $200,000!
for the last two for the last — — aoa
minutes! NINETY minutes!
2, eo
OCTOBER iy | abate an ae paises eal
Charlton Heston’s birthday. At noon today the waters Harold McChesney is disinherited by rich
of his swimming pool will part and he’ll walk across. ° - uncle, comes down with heir sickness, 1956.
Atte
RY ny,
>
fighting scene after viewing first run-through, 1973. pn
generally has too many ions in the fire.
Producer of ‘‘Three Musketeers”’ orders change in sword- Fz Alfred says: Overworked atomic physicist
Wilma Witkin is smacked in teeth by husband Myron, aay After downing his eighth can of beer, Roland aa’ 3
sues for divorce on grounds of dental cruelty, 1970. \ pe Fleemer reaches his pint of no return, 1966. 2
o =S
Beware of the crooked poncho maker— a | : 3) French Revolutionaries guillotine first victim; re
he’ll try to slip one over on you! aes
leader says it’s just a drop in the bucket, 1793. LY
Tahiti planter J.B. Croom develops a money bearing o Trigger makes first appearance in Roy Rogers
tree when he crosses his palm with silver, 1904. @A\~ movie, is applauded for bit part, 1937.
Columbus Day. Thanks to him, everybody knows the TUES | Some people say Nebuchadnezzar was a great and
real shape the world is in—namely lousy. @@scoroues 15] wise king—actually he was a Babylon idiot. PAG]
When two vampires fight, there’s An unemployed, out-of-shape contortionist =
generally bad blood between them. has a lot of trouble making ends meet!
George C. Scott’s birthday. Friends to honor him Ih Jack Anderson's birthday. Celebrate the z :
with lavish party, which he’ll refuse to attend. nh occasion by informing on a good friend. '
Philo Knill is hired as tailor for nunnery, Any bribable cop 777
finds that his work is habit-forming, 1922. will do in a pinch! =a a
Ed
esa
c n will celebr
foot bird, gets carried away with his work, 1955. e It ay to the stu
A woman who buys a cheap pair of nylons ECF¥ || Morris Oglevie discovers a new wou WO. *
is pretty sure to get a run for her money. tax shelter—Argentina, 1955.) [aa S Ww,
sat | While you’re reading these words, 60,000,000 people on Midget concert pianists are good for the ego ~-\ a ¥
2G | the distant planet Varkka are quietly going meshuggah. because they constantly play up to you. = 4
Ornithologist Mortimer Exley develops giant twelve-,* Johnny Carson’s birthday. McMaho
: occasion by walking on kn he w
5th anniversary of Nixon’s 7th crisis, 2nd anniversary
of 19th crisis, first anniversary of 85th crisis. 7a0PE
Spanish Inquisition puts first prisoner on rack ASS
after judge sentences him to a short stretch, 1229. =3%3
No matter how you feel about warts, (Goa faoy .E
they have a way of growingon you! 4sXe I
WRITER: FRANK JACOBS
Chiang kai-Shek’s birthday. An hour after cele-
brating it, you’ll feel like celebrating again.
Think back on what you were doing on this date two
years ago. Doesn’t it make you want to throw up? i
NOVEMBER
Undertaker Irving Pabst enters National Casket
Contest, wins blue ribbon for his bier, 1905.
Byron Aukblight closes down dress shop for two BACKIN
months, explains it’s the slack season, 1950. aoe
Udley Farquahr discovers Magnetic Pole, namely
Sing-Sing resident Fred Frink takes up landscape
Warsaw film starlet Mamie Van Zybryck, 1964.
painting, gains reputation as con artist, 1938.
Spending an evening with a pick- _¢&
pocket is usually good for a lift. d
Although your life seems hopeless, a week from now
you'll look back and realize that today was a picnic.
Three Hollywood actors turn down title role in ‘“‘The
Invisible Man’’, contending it’s a nothing part, 1934.
ae
vA
Chicago fire, blames it on her burning ambition,1871.
Dr. Christian Barnard’s birthday. Chums wish to present
him with surprise gift, but lack the heart to do it. eth
Schlomo MacHardee opens tire-repair business,
announces that he’ll charge a flat rate, 1933.
Princess Grace’s birthday. Entire population of Monaco
forced to see ‘‘High Society”’ or be deported. a
Bb2Z222
COCO
Mrs. O’Leary admits that she, not her cow, started Fa
a
iz
MAD 171 goes off sale. Publisher’s prediction proves
correct as a newsstand opens up on Mount McKinley.
A ANOLE PADISMOLPONS SACLE LRD DID EOS CH ARES RH AE SPREA AMIS EAMESESSPEEESEEOSESE SSIS SIARIASE SEO OOS DEDEARS DE NPAIESSIOIIESOIEEBEES NEESER READE SINE SSDS SELENE SEALE AAA AMANITA
Chapter 1
THE ECOLOGY CRISIS
See the terrible environment we live in.
Listen to the birds.
They don’t sing anymore.
They are too busy
Coughing and sneezing and throwing up.
See our rivers and streams.
See how polluted they are.
Yecch! Hocch! Ptuey!
See the fishermen catching fish.
It is easy to catch fish in our rivers. ie aN e&
The fish want to get caught Lt ela ike gy ea: <
i So they can get out of the yecch, hocch, ptuey. lar na ae
Why is there an Ecology Crisis?
Because of all the burning of high sulfur fuels
And the emissions from millions of automobiles.
How do we solve the Ecology Crisis?
Simple! We replace it with...
REPS SEIS
tO EMIORPRLOLPIELLAEAPILP MCLE AAOADO UDELL RIPON CMSA RAHN EONAR OIIDES ARISEN RHR RHEREROMEN ES SPREE
EACH RENNIE ORIHRRLARR LION PER SLOANE
Chapter 2
THE ENERGY CRISIS
In order to solve the Energy Crisis
The Government postpones Auto Emission Controls
And removes the ban on burning high sulfur fuels.
Bye-bye, Ecology Crisis! Hello, Energy Crisis!
To save energy, we must turn down our heaters
And keep our homes no higher than 68 degrees in Winter.
To save energy, we must turn up our air conditioners
And keep our homes no lower-than 72 degrees in Summer.
Maybe we should use our heaters in Summer
And our air conditioners in Winter.
68 degrees is deliciously cool in Summer
And 72 degrees is toasty warm in Winter.
Wey I Yo There are many plans for developing more energy,
dle /« i Like using wind power, or sun power,
2 Or even extracting oil from compressed animal droppings.
If that works, just imagine the mobs of people
Who'll be standing around Congress with shovels.
eect ROTC RAECRLOON ARNOT MCCCCCO NLC EYRE ALCO OLE CCOC ORE COOL TE IE LOREEN PAINS C OAC NP ACHREITIES OC MUNEINI OSLER LCA DRAB IE AEE Tt
Chapter 3 ano
THE GASOLINE CRISIS 2 ESS.
See the lines of cars at the gas station. ee | | CN te (wa
People are waiting to get three gallons of gas ioe
So they can make it to the next gas station.
Some people fill gas cans and keep them in their cars.
With these gas cans, they can travel a long way:
Straight up, when the cans explode in their cars.
Our Gasoline Czar in Washington has just announced
Another new plan to solve the fuel shortage.
He talks of allocations and price adjustments.
He is doing a great job keeping us on the move.
Because of him, Americans
Have been going around in circles for months.
To eliminate the fuel shortage, the Government
Wants to give the Arabs more money for their oil.
Do the Arabs really need the money?
Sure they do! Can you imagine what it costs
To launder sixty million bed sheets?
pecnaonnenennnecsnnnen
Chapter 5
THE CONFIDENCE IN GOVERNMENT CRISIS
Some people in this world actually do not believe
What their Governments tell them.
These people were once known as “‘Cynics”!
Now they are known as “Americans”!
Americans are very confused.
They think our President has something to hide
Just because he erases White House tapes,
And fires Special Prosecutors and Attorney Generals.
They don’t understand that the President
Is just trying to bring back the good old days
Of King George The Third.
And Mr. Agnew confused Americans even more.
He asked them to believe him when he said he wasn’t guilty,
And asked them not to believe him when he told the courts he was.
Americans distrust Presidential Appointees who work in secrecy,
Like Presidential Lawyers and Advisors who work behind locked doors
Of Federal Penitentiaries.
Chapter 7
THE WORLD CRISIS
Pick your favorite Crisis on a map of the world.
How about the Far East?
The Americans arranged a peace
To end the Vietnam War Crisis.
Then the Americans went away.
Unfortunately, the war did not.
Perhaps you like the Middle East?
See the Arabs and Israelis ready to blow each other up.
The Americans arranged a peace
To solve the Middle East Crisis.
Then, the Americans went away.
Unfortunately, the Crisis did not.
Today, in an effort to avoid confrontation,
The Americans and the Russians are acting as peacemakers.
The Russians are supplying the Arabs with weapons,
And the Americans are supplying the Israelis with weapons.
So the two of them can kill each other.
And leave us two peacemakers alone.
Ce re soo aged bannesnsscecbaentinni Saftey gab tOBESR SSO SURRERROMC ABLE HORLN IE MEDS LE TALE ECS CSTE LRUESENRESSEM DDO OCOSBO LODO TAERDOONIDG PIDDXIRESLL OLA RLDUA DALES ID TICULAR RRA AE AED
Chapter 4
THE FOOD CRISIS
Scientists are predicting a coming Food Crisis.
There are too many hungry people in the world,
And not enough food to feed them.
What can be done?
Well, for one thing, how about feeding only the people
Who are not hungry? They eat a lot less!
In the U.S.A. we have a wheat shortage
Because the President sold wheat to Russia, cheap.
Why did he do that?
Because he knew it would make him popular
With the Russian people.
Why didn’t he just keep the wheat here?
Because he knew it was too late to be popular
With the American people.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone had enough to eat?
Then, there would be nothing to worry about.
Except, perhaps, the impending Toilet Paper Crisis!
a ena abe eoe Peeve cae MreOriCOON SOV DOORS PR yer re ers oy sv eves Us Wve yrLo NIEaWisef rca newton ey ive sanseonnannawvanononaneienecstonne
Chapter 6
THE ECONOMIC CRISIS
See the Graph Line marked “A” go up and up and up.
This line represents the Cost of Living.
Wave “Bye-bye” to this line as it goes out of sight.
See the Graph Line marked “B” go down and down and down.
This line represents the Purchasing Power of the Dollar.
Say ‘‘Farewell’”’ to this line, it is never coming back.
Rests
ay)
Bil
Bias
eek @ ae
Sleep None
ee ms
no UD
aa
Lia
K |
See the Graph Line marked ‘‘C” curve down and then up again.
This line represents the President’s Mouth
As he tells us that our economy is in great shape.
See the Graph Line marked ‘“‘D” curve up and then down again.
This line represents the Consumer’s Mouth
When she sees the prices skyrocketing in the supermarket.
REP
y
See the Graph Lines marked “E”’ join, then part, then join again.
They represent a Penmanship Exercise.
What is a Penmanship Exercise doing in this Chapter?
Nothing, but it makes about as much sense as our Economic Condition. | }}}]
Liege ei se
a aS
| \
0
Ay
POOL RRALEALIDL AALS RAIA ELEN DOO OLLOPOHEDOOLALLAADDDOORLID SPARE IE DS SIPOOSIOSI AAT EOP LEER LOE ARE EOE OEE SCENE senso MMI ON USNR A EEO ARERR AERA REESSREER ROMP LORC MMC CCC ECONO E NE OMNI AD MOMS SONNET AARNE SERA SION ERPEESIOS SOAS AION MRAAO OANA NO Aa Net
Chapter 8
THE MORALITY CRISIS
am See the porno movie house.
/ ] It is a product of the Morality Crisis
That many people are up in arms about.
Mostly, older people!
Porno pictures show people making love.
“Disgusting! Degrading! Un-American!”
Say our moral leaders.
“Ban porno movies! Show Clint Eastwood pictures instead!”
“All they portray is killing, maiming and bloodshed.”
“Three respected American Traditions!” a
#
i]
Pere ES
OZ aT
iis?
cca
renenecceenneety ft CR
See the young man and young woman living together.
They have no use for marriage. 2 »)) pee
Their parents say they are destroying i ee Yes & ree
The Institution of Marriage. i wae ;
Parents have a great respect for
The Institution of Marriage.
Many of them have tried it again and again!
Maybe that’s why the kids are so happy.
SNELL NEED PON LALO AN I
pur nyse Ae eater Cee REC et ttt RL AEC NATE OOAL CLOT CEO O OIE IOLAC EE IA LLL DCAD ONAN ALLELE NON RN et Nett
Chapter 9
THE CRISIS OF THE CITIES
See the crowded city. I SCC nT ee see
See the unhappy city dweller. ee ee es
Is he unhappy because too many people live in the city? =| 2 T
No, he is unhappy because too many people die in the city!
City dwellers have big problems.
Every day, hundreds of them are
Stopped, insulted, abused and beaten.
And that’s by the Police!
Muggers are even worse!
Many people are leaving the cities.
They want to live in an environment
Where their kids can be happy.
So they move to the suburbs
And spend three hours a day
Commuting to and from the city where they work. ,*
They don’t have any time left to spend with their kids. .
Chapter 10
THE MEDICAL CRISIS
LELi
See the long lines at the Hospital.
See the people waiting three or four hours for treatment.
Some will wait even longer if it’s not an emergency.
Hospital costs are astronomically high.
Over $100 a day for a Hospital Room.
Smart people never go to Hospitals.
When they’re sick, they check into Luxury Hotels
Like the Waldorf Astoria. It’s cheaper!
LTD
See the man on the street. His leg is broken.
The Ambulance will arrive just as soon
As the Ambulance Attendants finish their coffee break.
Then, they will put the injured man into the Ambulance,
And turn on the siren so it emits a frightening shriek,
And speed through the city, cutting off cars and running red lights, §
And slamming on the brakes at the Hospital Entrance.
When they arrive, the poor man’s leg will no longer hurt.
He'll have died of a heart attack during the terrifying ride.
Petent UNAM ACA NOLL ONAGRACEAE OLE OLE SOT ASCO ACRE
Chapter 11
THE CRISES CRISIS
See what kind of a world we live in.
Crises, Crises ...everywhere you turn.
There are no longer any “Problems,” just Crises.
How does a simple Problem become a Crisis?
Easy! It’s put on the TV News,
And it’s an Instant Crisis.
Because a Problem is boring, but a Crisis gets ratings.
Oh, well... that’s Show Biz!
And Newspapers scare you even more
By creating Crises of their own
Because one of Newspapers’ biggest Crises these days
Is trying to stay in business competing against TV News.
See the man in the Strait Jacket.
One day he didn’t watch TV or read a Newspaper.
He wasn’t aware of a single new crisis.
He went insane.
He just wasn’t prepared to live in a world without crises.
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART |
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| his entire face..
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B I
IT’S INTHE PUNCHCARDS DEPT.
Chances are that everyone in the known world over the age of ten out the beast in us. As a result, we spend most of our free time
has had at least one battle with a computer in his lifetime. There’s fighting a full scale war against computers. Tragically, it’s a war
just something about the arrogant, stubborn refusal of a machine to we're all destined to lose. Let’s face it: we’re only human beings
reconsider even its most blatantly stupid acts that seems to bring armed with nothing but logic and intelligence. These weapons are no
Ne Re LUNG GU Wan
WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE...
WE’RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS
ate
BECAUSE...
coer
: : , ———— y ” / een “ qb HE i
. .. nothing will change their minds once they’re convinced . . . they invariably continue to list a car as stolen for
you've sent in 30,000 subscriptions to the same magazine. at least 6 months after it’s been recovered and returned.
_ WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE... WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE. ..
=| COMPUTERIZED SAFETY CHECK | te :
.. . we make the mistake of assuming they never make a mistake. ... they remember everything about us we’d like forgotten.
WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE...
... their screening of Police M.O. files somehow proves that ... they’re so smug about being able to solve complex
every left-handed Baptist who owns a De Soto is the Mad Killer. equations, they won’t stoop to learn simple arithmetic.
18
match for a computer’s tireless determination to keep repeating its
idiotic goofs until our spirits are broken. Worse yet, we are plagued
by a cult of Computer Worshippers among our own kind who perpetuate
the ridiculous myth that humans are always wrong. So, in case you're
WE’RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE...
ae they take years and years to find their stupid
mistakes, and then they expect us to pay for them.
_WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE
.. they forget evervittnee about us we wish they’d remember.
WE’RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE
. their opinion of the most efficient way
to do things is definitely only their opinion.
HGAlNoT COMPUTERS
flues eae y
one of those bubble-brained idealists who clings to the belief that
righteousness must eventually triumph, just consider how the punch
cards are stacked against you in this fight. Then, you'll agree
with MAD’s battlefront analysts who cite these twelve reasons why
ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: TOM KOCH
_ WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE...
we it’ S futile to 5 call up and complain about a mistake, since
the machine that goofed is the same one that answers the phone.
WE'RE LOSING OUR WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE
OST ACTIVE STOCKS
AMERICAN TELEPHONE 51%
WESTINGHOUSE 38%
GENERAL MOTORS %
. their dumb mistakes can cause us to make fatal mistakes.
WE’ RE LOSING bd WAR AGAINST COMPUTERS BECAUSE..
MAIL
. .. they assume that Q.X. Zlyk, Q.X. Zlyk, Sr., and Q.X. Slyk, Senior,
are three different people .. . two of whom didn’t pay their Income Tax.
WHAT?!? | don’t
weigh THAT MUCH!!
This thing is a
DIRTY LIAR!!
BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPT.
THE LIGHTER
Okay . . . who’s the wise
guy who's been fooling
around with this scale!?
Not only are you late, but
you have the nerve to bring
someone home for dinner?! What
do you think I’m running here,
a McDonald’s Hamburger Stand?!
I’m sorry
to cause
you all
this
trouble!
| think
I’d better
go!
No, stay! And try to
understand! This is a
temporary situation!
See, my wife is on a
crash diet! People on
diets are always very
irritable! Especially
on the subject of food!
You're really
quite a guy to
be so patient
and understand-
ing! How long
has your wife
been on this
crash diet?
The same wise guy who’s
been fooling around with
this REFRIGERATOR!!
Let’s see!
It started
on June 12th,
and...I'll
have to do a
little mental
arithmetic
Next Tuesday, it’ll be
six months short of
TWENTY-THREE YEARS!
Say! Didn’t Yes...and| Oh, my Simple! | gave myself What a clever idea! It
you used to still am! Only goodness! an incentive! Some sure worked! And now,
be Regina a much thinner How did ’ years ago, | bought you wear the dress?
Kaputnik? version! you a very expensive dress
manage that was several sizes
to lose too small! Then... |
all that dieted down until the
weight? dress finally fit me!
It took me so long to
thin down, the dress
went out of style!
| was blowing up like a balloon | hate cottage cheese! | never Yes, Miss? What would
... $0 | went on a crash diet of want to see it... smell it... you like to order? Cottage cheese...
cottage cheese! I’ve been eating or eat it again! That’s why we
nothing but cottage cheese! I’ve came to this restaurant! | am
lost weight all right, but cottage going to eat everything on the
cheese is coming out of my ears! menu that’s fattening!!
| figured if I’m going
to diet, | might as well
do it right! So | went
out and bought all these
books on the subject!
Diane, darling! You
look outrageous...
slim, trim and sexy!
' Let me Please, no!
serve Just thinking
you some about dessert
coffee makes me gain
and cake! five pounds!
That’s DUMB! If you’re going They all That the OTHERS are
to diet, you should do it under say the ALL WRONG!!
a Doctor’s care! These authors same thing!
have their crackpot theories
...and none
Tell me!
What’s your
secret?
of them agree!
It’s not such a Was it a “‘Low-Starch”’ diet? It’s called a ‘‘Low-Income-In
secret! Everybody's A “‘Low-Protein’”’ diet? A -Inflationary-Times-And-Who-
talking about it! “‘Low-Cholesterol” diet? Or The-Heck-Can-Afford-To-Eat-At
a “‘Low-Carbohydrate”’ diet? -Such-High-Food-Prices’’ diet!
None of those! It has
a much longer name!
Okay! That, | will! | must say, | did save
Cream has a trillion you have a lot of
calories! And sugar tremendous calories,
has a zillion! Which self-control! didn’t |?!
is why | carry around
my own Saccharin!
In that case, I'll take a
piece of chocolate cream pie!
Are you eating again, you fat slob?! And who the heck ever said that So tell me, Fatso!
Do you realize it would take three fat people are jolly?! What's Are you going on
of me to make one of you? You can’t jolly about a blob of blubber!? a diet...?
even buy clothes like normal people Besides . . . worst of all, your
... off a rack! You have to go to a life-expectancy is shortened!
special ‘‘Fat Man’s Shop’”’.. .!
Wow! Did
you ever
turn out
to be a
Skinny
Bolink!
Yeah! But getting
this way involved
an awful lot of
GUILT! And | sure
would like to get
it off my chest!
At every meal, | stuck
strictly to my diet!
But in between, | used
to cheat! | used to
sneak treats and stuff!
And then, as if God decided | see what you mean about
to punish me, | began to getting it off your chest!!
lose weight all right. . . but
in all the WRONG PLACES!!
It’s sinful What's the One of the Oh, well! That’s not so! At one time, I was
the way you sin in “Seven Deadly Everybody an over-eater! But | went on a diet,
stuff your enjoying Sins” is indulges trimmed down to a size ten, and now
face! good food? the sin of in one sin | enjoy walking down the streets and
“GLUTTONY”! or another!
having all the guys whistle at me!
See...? | TOLD you everybody
indulges in one sin or another!
APR
j ea
,
You look so—so | |No, thanks! I'll make | can’t In fact, | can’t eat What It’s a “Food-FREE” diet!
gaunt! Let meget|| I’mona you a small have bread spaghetti, ice cream, kind of
you something |;| very strict ham sandwich! or meat! bananas, milk, tuna a crazy
diet! fish, potatoes, cole diet are
slaw, cookies and corn
among other things!
ai A TE
All this dieting is really So if | order one boiled egg, that’s ... Making With all that No... but I’m getting
doing me a lot of good! Now, 77 calories ... one ounce of American a total of counting, | don’t to be a WHIZ at MATH!!
take lunch, for instance! Cheese, that’s 113 calories ... one exactly 295 see you getting
I’m allowed 300 calories... slice of white bread, that’s 63 cal- calories! any thinner!
ories ... and acup of shredded raw
carrots, that’s 42 calories...
Hey, Vivian! You want to have You can take all of my old, What are you You told In a couple of months, you'll
a laugh? Look at this! These outsized clothes... and doing, putting me to give be needing them again!!
are the pants | wore before give them to the needy! them back in them to
| lost all that weight! the closet?!? the needy!
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Il
ONE DAY IN A RUN-DOWN SHACK
Well, Martha... your twenty years of | I’ve finally done it!! Look...!
living in poverty, waiting for me to The perfect Bullet-Proof Vest!
perfect one of my inventions, is over!! We’re going to be RICH!!
LZ
(SS) 4
rrr
see for yourself!
ONCE UPON A MIME DEPT.
AMAD
LOOK AT
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ARTIST & WRITER: SERGIO ARAGONES
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BEN-EDICTIONS DEPT.
Since the release of “The White House Transcripts,” Mr. Nixon’s critics and enemies have
been calling him dishonest, unprincipled, immoral, etc. And we don’t think that’s fair!
Because we read the Transcripts, and there was something vaguely familiar about them. So
we checked. Do you know that another famous American, Benjamin Franklin, said practically
the same things Mr. Nixon said? Let’s compare Mr. Nixon’s statements* to quotes from...
Poor Richards Almanac
God helps them that We've got to remember .. . he’s going a S,
to do anything to save his ass. Z | 9 it a
help themselves. April 17, 1973 y <
If Magruder goes down, he will pull
everybody down with him.
April 14, 1973
A small leak will
sink a great ship.
You can say, ‘‘I don’t remember!”
You can say, ‘‘l can’t recall!”’
“‘| can’t give any answer to
that!’ “That, | can’t recall!’
March 21, 1973
Proclaim not all thou
knowest ... all thou
owest ... all thou hast
... or all thou canst.
It’s going to require approximately
a million dollars to take care of
the jackasses who are in jail.
March 21, 1973
The maintaining of
one vice costeth more
than ten virtues. -
Let’s face it... the secretaries ... the
assistants know all of this... and you
never know when they may crack.
March 13, 1973
Little
strokes fell
great Oaks.
Time is of essence. We can’t play around
on this. If they’re going to be sentenced on
Friday, we are going to have to move on the
(expletive deleted) thing pretty fast.
March 21, 1973
Lost
time is
never
found.
The point is... your feeling is that
we just can’t continue to pay the
blackmail of these guys... ?
March 21, 1973
’Tis foolish to
lay out money
for repentence.
Dean...outthere...is
a loose cannon.
April 18, 1973
The worst wheel on the cart
makes the most noise.
My position up to this time has been
... nobody ever told me a bit of this.
April 14, 1973
Innocence is its
own defense.
If they get a hell of a big fish, that is
He that would d lat is
ch tish going to take a lot of fire out of this thing
must venture on the cover-up. If they get the President’s
. . _| former Law Partner and Attorney-General...
his bait. : April 15, 1973
Well, for Bob and John... if they put
them on that list, it kills them. It
may not kill them legally, but it kills
them from a standpoint of the public.
April 18. 1973 :
Glass, china and
reputations are
easily cracked and
never well mended.
ARTIST: *The White House Transcripts, The Full Text Of The Submissions Of Recorded Presidential Conversations WRITER:
JACK RICKARD To The Committee On The Judiciary Of The House Of Representatives By President Richard M. Nixon LOU SILVERSTONE
A New York Times Book Published by Bantam Books, Inc.
PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPT.
Next time anybody bombards you with an irritating old cliché,
don’t just stand there! Say something! Something ... NASTY!!
MAD’S SURE-FIRE
ARTIST: JACK DAVIS
_SPORTS CLICHES
gPt LL WF
x J Ngee ©. ean JUN
That O.J. And 1 cee Around the [Ks On paper, Mm Yeah, but Pound for | don’t know!
Simpson thought he eg schoolyard the Kings & i pound... Pound for
are a great he’s the pound, | like
greatest! steak better!
jreally came came here to fierce RY we'd call him a
make friends! ompetitor! a a sore loser!
| want to
get it down
before the
taste catches
up with me!
| don’t play fm. Gee, Sis!
favorites! | didn’t
| love know YOU
you both had a lousy
the same! deal, TOO!
| don’t know Try leaving This is going j | Then REALLY
what |l’m | me alone to hurt ME punish me, |
going to B and see if morethan | | and let ME
do with you! Sam that works! it’s going to | | give YOU
hurt YOU! the beating!
Yes, squelch any mindless babbler who tries to drop a cliché
on you by zapping him with an appropriate answer chosen from
CLICHE KILLERS
WRITER: STAN HART
Well... | wish |
there’s could have
no said that
tomorrow! Hm yesterday!
Yeah! Poor guy!
Only gets 250
Grand for sit-
ting on a bench
—doing nothing!
You gotta feel
sorry for him!
His career has
been plagued
with injuries!
He’d be
first string
on any
| have to bend | Well, it’s
If you don’t I Say .
Haven't Well... let’s
: ae Don’t raise your
| always say, ‘fair to stop fighting THAT’! :
’ , oice to me!
been a poor’’! Now, how I'll Knock imake us Heise will the bash eli ae pee
fair Father about trying for both your like each neighbor's think? all day long! Jack LaLenne!
“fair to good’’? heads together! other!!
POLITICAL CLICHES
: If they can ii Who py He'sa Yeah, the oil
T put a man on i i
There are | think that’s People on Right! | |
two things wise, not Welfare They’re
| never talking about ‘yi don't WANT too busy
discuss: things you to work! stereviel
religion... don’t know | W), 4)
and politics! anything about! hi re,
people, the gas
people and the
banking people!
the moon, why
can’t they
do something
1 about poverty?
!
l
There’s a lot You must be | And how | | Half and half!
of that going doing some “tare wethis| {| feel fine, but
around! great job! morning? you look lousy!
How about a No, 4 think WO aspirin
delicious I'll eat this iri would do any good, |
breakfast? instead! | wouldn't be
calling you now!
an
RELIGIOUS CLICHES
ak 8 coo if
=| God works in i And always |. {Imagine what
>] strange and remember | | it would be
wondrous i that God |} j likeif He
loves you! | | HATED me!
God [Mm I’m glad | : I'm afraid
called (@@i 1 have an he’s in
him up tof i God's hands
=| Heaven! ! now...
My Grandfather No need to
Then ask was a Republican, apologize!
politics! | yourself: ‘ It’s obviously
| vote for | Would you +; Republican, and a genetic
he man my #}}| vote for I’m a Republican!
Husband (| your
votes for! || Husband?
The people
who run the
Government
in Washington
know more
about things
than we do!
Politicians
are crooks!
Ancient
*This may not sound effective, but
the sheer idiocy of the answer will
stop your antagonist in his tracks.
| think
you'll
live!
Ha-ha!
Don’t worry! I've performed
dozens of these operations!
Open a little If | open any Now, now! Let me jab it
wider ...so jj wider, you'll see Big fellows fmm in YOUR butt,
I can see my lunch... all don’t cry! anid we'll ea!
your throat! over the floor!
Great! That
means you're
sending me to
another Doctor!
God sees | feel RY Shhhhh! We are What’s the Yeah? Did you
everything sorry for iS\ believe et You'll ruin “4 doing matter? Is ever take an
youdo... Him if He Ae wy God’s work! He sick? algebra test
and He knows has nothing § WS without being
everything better | in prepared
you think!
to do!
JOKE & DAGGER DEPT.
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UPPING THE PROPHETS DEPT.
A lot of people today are saying it’s time to get rid of pornography and permissive-
ness and to return to the Good Old Days of Religion and Morality. The problem is that
nobody knows how to sell Religion and Morality to the people who are supposed to
need them most—namely, the millions of teenagers hooked on Rock and TV. Well,
MAD suggests that the Do-Gooders take their cue from the fast-buck Publishers who
are making a bundle with their Teen Fan Magazines. Then you'd have something today’s
youth could relate to. Like, f’rinstance, this super-glitzy fab publication called
MOSES and P
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Saas DELO TDC
the NEW GROUPS |.
The Apostles! ||
The Prophets!
The Miracles!
The Plagues!
. DECEMBER /-. How YOU
ot NV o~ “ eS) e
Pe Zz (= grt fy | can win a
1 TGS Dream Date
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Those Whispers About ADAM’s Other Women: |
00'S LATEST WRATH! \
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i (77 utta-Sight Fotos of
|
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: FRANK JACOBS
35
METHUSELAH is still breathless after celebrating his
birthday. But who wouldn't be after blowing out 900
candles? . . . JONAH has turned down a huge coffer
offer to stage his whale act in the Red Sea . . . Newest
Philistine joke: How do you break a Philistine’s finger?
Hit him in the nose! ... BIBLE BELTS DEPT.: Don’t
tell NOAH, but one of his zebras is gay!
Don’t invite JESUS and JUDAS ISCARIOT to the same
supper. For that matter, don’t invite GOD and SATAN
to the same millenium! ... Speaking of SATAN, that
little devil, rumor hath it that he’s “that way” about
JEZEBEL ... QUERY OF THE MONTH DEPT.:
Who’s pulling the wool over the eyes of ISAAC? ...
Heard around the Holy Land: “Am I my brother's
keeper?” ... “Let my people go!” .. . “Does Sodom tell
Gomorrah?”
TORRID TRIO Hottest of the hot new groups are Shadrach, Mesach and
Abednego. Their many fans hope they won't cool off after the fab suc-
cess of their current chart biggie, “We Faked Out That Firey Furnace.”
It’s being hushed up, but JOB appears to be on the
verge of a blow-up .. . JEREMIAH and ELIJAH are
set to exchange guest shots in each other’s realms. It’s
all part of the new Prophet-Sharing Plan... How does
a Philistine count to 12? On his fingers! . . . Insiders
blame ADAM and EVE for the death of ABEL. They
claim that’s what'll happen when a couple raises CAIN!
... DAVID’s latest Psalm is sure to hit the top of the
charts . . . LOOK-ALIKES DEPT.: OBADIAH the
Prophet and the River Jordan.
and Thither in the Holy Land
Quote of the Month: God to Moses—“Take two tablets
and talk to me in the morning!” . .. NEBUCHADNEZ-
ZAR (he’s the Babylonian Biggie ) is on the mend after
his fingers went numb during an autograph session.
Whose wouldn't with a name like his! . . . Speaking of
‘ol NEB, fans everywhere are flipping out over his wild
new song, “The Writing on the Wall” with those glitzy
lyrics, “Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin” We like Daniel’s
interpretation best ... And speaking of Daniel we hear
he’s just redone his den.
e H Wy
AH es ; eg }
. 2 PP / y
» fy ; i le
- SF Ay 1
ed
eS AY = f
TOP PROPHET Jeremiah proudly holds his “Adam” statuette, presented to
him after being chosen “Best Prophet In A Non-Warlike Role.” Other win-
ners at ceremony held in Jerusalem: Best King—Solomon. Best Hero In
A Supporting Role—Mordecai. Best Apostle In A Doubting Role—Thomas.
ij
DAVID is still fuming over those “Goliath Lives!” but-
tons ... EVE is putting the finishing touches on her fab
autobiography, “The Sensuous First Woman” . . . An-
swer to J. T. of Canaan: Tell your friend he’s wrong.
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon are not a new group
... Answer to K. L.’s query about MOSES and the Red
Sea: “To get to the other side!” .. . Be nice to Joshua.
We hear he’s getting the run-around . . . Why does a
Philistine keep camel dung in his back pocket? For
Identification! . . . But don’t get me wrong—I love the
Holy Land!
eo, te
CANAAN CLAN TO SPLIT? Nobody’s denying rumor that Joseph (shown here
in his fab, new, glitzy coat of many colors) wants to ditch his brothers
and form his own solo act. The Split-up began when Joseph suggested the
group change its name from “Jacob's Boys” to “Joseph and the Others.”
A lot of stories get spread around, especially
about big stars like Samson. Some of the time
Samson can stop these rumors himself—with
only a jawbone of an ass, but most of the time
it’s too late, the damage is done! To help ol’
“Bulging Biceps” himself put a stop to some
rumors currently circulating, BIBLE RAVE
has researched them at their source and offers
these FACTS to finally set things straight!
RUMOR: Samson hates Philistines.
FACT: Untrue! But he has nothing against lean-
ing on them a little!
RUMOR: The secret of Samson’s
strength is in his diet.
FACT: To be perfectly honest, he has a lousy
diet. He digs sweets and leavened breads too
much. Samson dismissed the “‘special diet”
theory with a smile, saying: “I’ve got more im-
portant things weighing on my head!”
RUMOR: Samson wants to be named
king.
FACT: Ridiculous! This pinnacle of strength,
this mightiest hero of the Holy Land, this super-
human wonder who is worshipped by tens of
thousands of adoring fans, this greatest warrior
who ever lived, is a humble, modest soul who
seeks only the simple life.
CuborBR RIL —
RUMOR: Samson slays Philistines for
sport.
FACT: Samson would never do that to a dumb
animal. He adores Philistine jokes, though, sup-
plying a few dandies for Leonard Lionfodder’s
page in this issue.
RUMOR: Samson won’t go out with
girls who don’t kiss on the first date.
FACT: Wrong! Samson doesn’t go out with
girls who won't arm wrestle on the first date.
RUMOR: Samson has a press agent
who is hired to get his name in the
columns.
FACT: Absurd! Samson hates publicity, stat-
ing: ““When I see any column, | just push it
aside!”
Big M. Fans!!!
Swe
1. A GIANT POSTER-SIZE MOSES CALEN-
DAR! Not only does this year-round keepsake have
a fab portrait of Big M., but every important date in
his life is recorded for you to remember: ¢ When he
first shook up Pharaoh ¢ When he crossed the Red
Sea @¢ When he grew his beard ¢ When he had his
first date and hundreds more! 2. MONTHLY BIG
M. NEWSLETTER! Sent you each month and con-
taining all the latest news and gossip. Inside info
such as: @ How he likes his eggs ® How he rates the
PLUS - If You Join Right Now- AN
AUTHENTIC BULLRUSH
YOU CAN GROW RIGHT IN YOUR OWN HOME!
BIG M. C/O BIBLE RAVE
NAME
ADDRESS
TRIBE
HERE’S WHAT YOU GET!
Yeah, | want to join the Moses Fan Club. | enclose 50 pieces of silver
plus 2 pieces more for postage and handling. Please rush all my glitzy!
LAND
Favorite Commandment (Circle one)
Now! You Can Join The
Sah
LUB!
CL AVIGA
= fii zip my
We)
‘*
WAAAY
MAA
SQA
AA, mw
Plagues @ How he remains humble in the face of
fame ® How he digs his fab chats with God and hun-
dreds more! 3. TEN COMMANDMENTS MINI-
ROBE! Perfect for beach party or just lounging
around! Inscribed with the Commandment of Your
Choice! 4. MOSES STICKERS! Each a dreamy
pic of Big M. Plus an eye-catching glitzy message!
5. PERSONALIZED MEMBERSHIP CARD!
For you to treasure, cherish, and revere until YOU
find YOUR Promised Land!
(B.C.)
BORN (a.D.)
12345678910
Se eee ee |
YOUR BIBLE FAVES REVEAL
“What | Dig Most In A Girl!”’
Adam
“What’s a girl? I’m not sure I
know what one is. There’s this
other person living with me
‘ and who’s built different and
~, who doesn’t have to shave. If
“ that’s a girl, then I guess I dig
xt her. In any case, do I have a
”
\ 4
/| N\
“T like a girl who digs walking.
And I mean walking—like for
seven days in circles. I know
. this sounds kinda kooky and
\\ that there are a lot of chicks
-i\\ who prefer riding in chariots.
\ But that’s their hang-up. Oh,
Methuselah
— “T’ve got a thing for younger
& women, so once a girl hits the
¢ age of 300 she begins to lose
me. I tried dating a 370-year-
old once, but all she wanted to
rap about was the problems of
reaching middle-age. Give me
an unspoiled, fresh, young 140-
year-old anytime.”
tsi \ AYA eS
AN \\\We-
a; WANS Buk
He hy #
4 i
“That’s a tough question. You
see, I’ve never been alone with
a girl. I’ve been alone with ten
girls and twenty girls and once
even with thirty-seven girls: I
dunno. I guess I’d have to say
I dig a girl who likes to share.”
SS
LAO LY) aie,
Bs
Bible Rave’s Pick of the Period!
The Song Your Editors Figure Will Reach the Top Of
The Sinai Summit of FAB SONG HITS!!!
“HE PROMISED US THE PROMISED LAND”
(AS SUNG BY AARON AND THE ISRAELITES)
We were bugged by funky Pharaoh
Till we thought our minds’d blow!
Then Big M, he zapped it to us
And he told us where to go!
And he promised us the Promised Land, Land, Land,
And he led us ‘cross that crazy stretch of sand, sand, sand!
Now Big M, he knew that Pharaoh
Wouldn’t budge without a push,
But he knew that God was groovin’
From that far-out Burning Bush!
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Well, Big M he hyped that Red Sea
Till the water turned to ground,
But when Pharaoh tried to follow
He was permanently drowned!
(REPEAT CHORUS FOR 40 YEARS
WHILE WANDERING IN WILDERNESS)
COMING NEXT WEEK!
It’s Glitzy! It’s Yurky! It’s Frankincense,
Gold, & Myrrh! It’s the next Eye-Popping
Issue of BIBLE RAVE Featuring All Your
Fantastic Dreamy Holy Land Faves!
* *& HH HH HH HH KH KH HK
Moses—Why He’s Hung Up On The GOLDEN CALF!
KKK KKK KKK KKK KKK KKK KKK
Seven Swinging
Psalms You Can Groove On Your Lyre!
** *&£ * # *# *# *e HF HF HH HK HHH H
THE ONE MAN RUTH WOULDN’T FOLLOW!
KKK KKK KKK KKK KKK Ka KKK Kk
Six More Full-Color Stick-Um Fotos Of
SOLOMON’S WIVES!
(Numbers 339 through 344 in a series of orie thousand. Collect them all!)
** ££ ee HH KKH HK KH KH HK HK
GIANT MINI-POSTERS OF FOUR NEW PROPHETS YOU NEVER HEARD OF!
KKK KKK KK KKK KKK KKK KK KKK
JUDAS BEGS HIS FANS: “Please Trust Me”!
VIVE L’INDIFFERENCE DEPT.
YOU HAVE REACHED A S
AVE REACHED A STATE OF APATHY WHEN
YOU H : YOU HAVE REACHED A
... you see someone being mugged, _. .. even though the person being mugged - ua =
and you don’t do a thing about it happens to be your wife or girlfriend! ... you finally get your very own pad
YOU HAVE REACHED A STATE OF APATHY WHEN... YOU HAVE REACHED A
Tet , Ae — ;
.. you go to Confession for a ~*~ eer . .. somebody swipes the Centerfold of
the first time in six months... and you haven’t got anything to confess! your new copy of Playboy Magazine...
YOU HAVE REACHED A STATE OF APATHY WHEN... YOU HAVE REACHED A
ts
. there’s a program on TV you can’t
40... you finally get tosee an X-rated movie... _...and you fall asleep! . stand, but you watch the whole thing!
| eLasr PLAST ic |
| SuRce RY cae
TATE OF APATHY WHEN...
STATE OF APATHY WHEN. .
. and you sit around, watching TV!
STATE OF APATHY WHEN...
. and you don’t even notice it missing!
STATE OF APATHY WHEN...
And when the same show is repeated as
a Summer Re-run, you watch it again!
ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE
YOU HAVE REACHED A STATE OF APATHY WHEN...
.and you give her the
number of an Electrician!
. your neighbor with the fantastic sexy body
calls to tell you all her fuses have blown out
ae, HAVE REACHED A STATE OF ae dla “ee
. you watch t e TV News while eating -and it doesn't bother your appetite! ~
Me HAVE REACHED A STATE a APATHY WHEN ea
: you gO to an Ice Cream place that
has fifty different delicious flavors
. and you order Vanilla!
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Iil
One Evening At The Stamp Club Meeting
Hiya, Charlie! Hi, Lou! I’m on my way to The The Stamp Club Yeah! | joined about a month | |
| | Where ya goin’? Stamp Club Meeting! Come along! Meeting .. .?!? ago! It’s really great!! .
P.D.-ATRICS DEPT.
| Good
' Lord!
| What's
going
on
here?
A guy
got
run
over
by a
car!
Well...
at least
the
Police
got here
fast!
They didn’t
have far to
go! THEY
were the ones
who ran over
But the three
of them are just
standing around
their car! Why
don’t they DO
something?
They ARE doing
something!
They’re giving
themselves
citations for
_reckless driving!
Gee ...none
of those
Police Officers
seem to know
anything about
Crime!
Oh, they know A LOT
about Crime! Boy, talk
about STEALING...
they accept paychecks
for appearing on this
show every week as...
gee \
WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO
ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES
Because we're close C’mon, Willies ...C’mon, Terrier... Wake up!!
buddies! Because we
share everything!
Okay! Ill just
wake up my fellow
Officers, Terrier
and Willies...
-|Hey, wake
| up, Mite!
It’s time
to go to
work!!
Why are you
always so
concerned
about THEM? —~ Yeah! | KNOW!
If we’re
just ONE | |
MINUTE ll
late, Lt. |
Pyker goes
through
the roof!
speaking
complete
foals '...);
guys are
EARLY!
Doesn't it tee
you off to hear
Senior Officers
~ talk about us
Rookies like we
were a bunch of
incompetents?!
He’s just
pretending! |:
Under that
cold
exterior
is awarm
interior!
Gee! And
of we thought
you'd be
angry!
Actually,
Hey! You m& we’re two mm
minutes
Yeah! And
inside
that warm
interior
is a heart
of stone!
| meant you’re early
Yeah! If they’d only
watch us, they’d see
we’re as Capable as
any Veteran! Hey...
why don’t you pull in
here for some coffee?
for TOMORROW’s shift!
There’s only 7 hours
and 58 minutes left of do
TODAY's shift! Now,
there’s a jewel thief
at large, and | want
you guys to apprehend
the perpetrator!
lf we
can’t
that, is
catching
the
crook
Huh? What do you
mean, why don’t
I pull in here
for some coffee!
I'M not driving!
That’s funny...
Willies and
Terrier will
be partners
today! And
Mite, you'll
pair up
with Senior #
Officer
Pincher...
N
Now, each one of these
pins represents a jewel
robbery! But we have no
clues, no suspects and
no motives! | tell you,
this thief is making
complete fools out of
everyone on the Force!
Oh, no! | don’t
want to trust
my life to some
Rookie Cop! You
Oh, yeah?!?
I'm a lot
smarter than
probably don’t that! And
even know what if | hadn’t
end of the gun forgotten
the bullet my gun, I'd
comes out of!! show you!
See that?! It’s the old story! There’s
Lt. Pyker, you’re
giving that crook
too much credit!
We were complete
fools long before
he showed up! Er—
| don’t think that
came out right!
And that’s
Come, how those
now, guys act
Officer after ten
Pincher! months...
We were like they
ALL were
Rookies Rookies
ONE day!
DIRS
never a Cop around when you need one!!
Attention, all units! Another
| don’t care WHAT Er—| don't Oh, nothing Because that way,
Lt. Pyker says, | think I can dumb like jewel robbery is in progress at | get to make
still wish | didn’t do that! that! I—| 21 Vonch Road, so everybody ANOTHER wild
have a Rookie as a forgot the 4, make reckless, tire-squealing, U-turn—like this!
partner! Now, call Why? Forget microphone = audience-grabbing, wild U-turns
in to the Station, the number for the radio! already Boy, are we gonna
and see if we can of our Car, It’s home going in surprise Terrier
break for Dinner! Rookie... ? with my gun! the right and Willies when
direction!
we get there first!
Hey, you know...
something tells
me we shouldn’t
have made a U-turn
where we did!
You guys should be more
careful! You nearly ran
over my Suitcase... and
it contains $150,000
in stolen jewelry!
You’re always so picky! Just because we did
it on a One-Way Street and now we're going
90-miles-an-hour against the traffic! This
way, I'll bet we get to 21 Vonch Road first!
Boy, are we gonna surprise Mite and Pincher!
/ — \ id if gq
We'll try to be
more careful next
time! Er—say...
how come the mask?
Well, quite frankly,
I’m covering up my
face because I’m so
embarrassed .. . for
YOUR sake!
Hey! That guy over
there looks like he
could be the jewel
thief! Go get him!
My door’s stuck!
So’s mine!
Well, then
blow your
WHISTLE!!
I can't!
It’s home
with my gun
and the
microphone!
~~ | When | said you guys
m.| should go out there |
and have a smashing
~ day, | didn’t mean
smashing up Police
Cars! Not only did
you demolish TWO of
them... but you let
the jewel thief slip
' through your fingers!
Don’t you
think it’s
strange...
getting all
that jewelry
from a new
boyfriend?
: g? Can
| help you, Ma’am?
| don’t think
so! | already
DID all the
good lines!
{
a
Not really!
They’ve
KNOWN each
other for
nearly a
Aw, c’mon,
Lieutenant,
you can’t
| really be
| angry with
| us! We're
just three
big lovable
a My...daughter...
# sob... is missing!
_ Missing what?
i Hey...there &
hm are stillsome jf
¥| good lines left! }
| don’t buy the “‘big,’’
and | don’t buy the
‘lovable’! “‘DOPES,”
I'll buy! Now, look at
this CRIME MAP! It
can’t go on like this!
Why? Are you |__| Out!
\Y wearing